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Life Raft Election
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Somewhere in the Atlantic, four shipwreck survivors hold an election for raft captain, with a passenger (Will Forte) running the vote as its only voter. The incumbent, Mr. Tyus (Christopher Walken), opens by candidly reviewing his record: he steered the ship into icebergs to shave a few minutes off the voyage, burned through the emergency flares on a party trick, and offers a vague apology for recent nights. The cook, Liam (Fred Armisen), proposes rationing food and rigging a sail from clothing, but Tyus heckles him at every turn and then defends his own lookout failures. Gary (Seth Meyers) lists everything wrong with life on the raft, and the case against the captain grows when it turns out Tyus has thrown their last oar at a passing bird. Tyus fires back that Gary is only bitter because Tyus once tried to eat him during a cocaine binge, then closes his campaign by warning that losing would make him go berserk.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 4
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I can also admit that it was a mistake to use all the flares from this lifeboat to light my farts.
Also, in regards to the past two nights, I'd like to apologize for the gay stuff.
These birds are like flying optical illusions.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:05
Passenger
Well, gentlemen, dawn is upon us, and it looks like we're all here. Last night, we decided we needed to elect a raft captain, and all three of you threw your hats into the ring. As the sole voter, I asked you to prepare some speeches. Mr. Tyus, you're first.
- 00:21
Mr. Tyus
Good morning. It's good to be here. I suppose I should start by addressing what's surely on all your minds, my record as a captain. I realize you probably know me best as the captain who sunk our ship and wrote about this regrettable situation, I can see now that it was foolish to take a shortcut through Iceberg Alley when it was only going to shave 10, 15 minutes off our three-week trip. I can also admit that it was a mistake to use all the flares from this lifeboat to light my farts. I was trying to improve raft morale, but only succeeded in causing some some prettiest, serious burn scars. Also, in regards to the past two nights, I'd like to apologize for the gay stuff.
- 01:11
Passenger
A all right a lot of very compelling points. Thank you for that honesty. Our next candidate for raft captain is our cook, Liam.
- 01:24
Liam
Hello. Thank you. You all know that I've been saying for days that we should fashion some sort of sale out of our clothes.
- 01:30
Mr. Tyus
Boo, come on. Get this joker out of here.
- 01:32
Passenger
I'm sorry, Mr. Tyus.
- 01:33
Mr. Tyus
You're a robot. This guy doesn't know what he's talking about. He's a cook.
- 01:36
Passenger
I'm sorry, Mr. Tyus, please.
- 01:38
Mr. Tyus
Fine.
- 01:39
Passenger
Okay, continue, Liam.
- 01:41
Liam
Well, you don't need to be a cook to know that our food situation is dire. We need to ration our food. There has been no reason to throw our food in the water as bait when we have no means to catch the fish.
- 01:52
Mr. Tyus
We all know that now.
- 01:55
Liam
It's easy to say that now. Vote for me, and I promise to make concerted effort.
- 02:02
Mr. Tyus
Likely story, that's crap, boo.
- 02:07
Liam
I didn't even say anything.
- 02:08
Mr. Tyus
Look, if I can jump in here. I know everyone's still upset that on my lookout shift I didn't try to flag down that Carnival cruise line, but I swear, from a distance, I could have sworn it was a pirate ship. They were playing music, having a good time, you know, pirate stuff. We're all pretty familiar with pirate stuff.
- 02:28
Gary
Hey, it's not your turn. Who's running this thing?
- 02:32
Passenger
I am, and actually, it is his turn.
- 02:34
Gary
Great. Look, I'll be brief. I think all of us can agree that we have a problem on this raft a problem that slathers on sunblock as if it's in limitless supply a problem that sings songs without knowing any of the lyrics a Problem that urinates and defecates in the boat as opposed to into the water stop it
- 02:52
Mr. Tyus
work. I'm paddling
- 02:56
Gary
It's not even touching the water.
- 02:57
Mr. Tyus
Oh, I know what this is all about Fine, I'm sorry. I threw the the or at that bird It seems so close. These birds are like flying optical illusions. Oh, cripes! There's a bird! Look at that. Not even close.
- 03:20
Gary
Yeah, that was our last oar. There's no stopping the bird attacks now! In closing, I would just like to say that I don't think this guy should be captain anymore.
- 03:30
Mr. Tyus
Look, this is hardly fair. Gary's biased. First, he's had it in for me since the minute I tried to eat him. You've got a long memory, my friend. That was two days ago. No hard feelings on this end, pal. That's what happens on a cocaine high. But I'm out of cocaine, people. That's not going to be a problem anymore.
- 03:53
Passenger
Duly noted.
- 03:54
Mr. Tyus
And again, if this is about the recent gay stuff, I'm working on that.
- 03:59
Passenger
If you're done, Mr. Tyus, it's time to vote.
- 04:01
Mr. Tyus
You know, I've got one last thing I'd like to say. I worry that you don't know how much I want this. Sure, I've made mistakes, but I go for it. I really go for it. And if I don't get this, I'm gonna go crazy. Really berserk.
- 04:20
Gary
So just to clarify, you haven't gone crazy yet? What'd you say?
- 04:25
Lunch?
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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