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Brian Fellow's Safari Planet: Porcupine and a Pig

Saturday Night Live2002Season 28Episode 1
Saturday Night LiveSNL
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Animal-show host Brian Fellow, armed with a sixth-grade education, throws out a porcupine expert for talking about mating and decides a pot-bellied pig must have a problem with Jewish people.

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Community rating

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The funny people

Meet the cast. 3

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

That rat needs a haircut!

We don't talk about the birds and the bees on this show unless our guests are birds or bees, and sometimes not even then.

Why does that pig hate Jewish people?

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Brian Fellow, whose announcer admits he has no zoology training and never got past sixth grade, opens another episode of his animal show. Dale Dudley brings in Willy the porcupine, whom Brian writes off as a rat that needs a haircut; when Dale starts to explain how the quills figure into mating, Brian rules it too dirty for his program and sends him packing. Shawn Kelly then arrives with a miniature pot-bellied pig and tries to explain why the breed makes a tidy house pet, but Brian fixates on the pig's belly and, through his own baffling logic about pork, convinces himself the animal is hostile to Jewish people. Drifting into a daydream, Brian imagines the departed porcupine complaining that the show is tanking and offering to expose himself to boost ratings. He snaps out of it to ask whether Shawn and his pig could kill the porcupine, waves a five-dollar bill when Shawn refuses, resolves to handle it himself and signs off by promising another unusual animal guest next time.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

SNL Archives credits Darrell Hammond as the voice of the show's announcer and Will Forte as the voice of the porcupine in Brian's daydream.

ScriptEnglish · 56 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:00

    Speaker 1

    He loves animals and they love him back Interspecies friends, we ain't kidding Mac Brian Fellow, Safari Planet

  2. 00:11

    Speaker 2

    Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist Nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a 6th grade education And an abiding love for all God's creatures Reachers share his love tonight on Brian Fellows.

  3. 00:35

    Speaker 1

    Brian Fellows. Brian Fellows.

  4. 00:36

    Brian Fellow

    Good Good evening. evening and welcome to Brian Fellows Safari Planet. I'm Brian Fellow. Tonight Hey, dig this, tonight we're going to meet some animals that are very messy because some of them were raised in a barn. I'm very excited. So let's get going.

  5. 01:02

    Brian Fellow

    Our first guest is like a human cactus. Please welcome our porcupine. Ooh, and who are you?

  6. 01:13

    Dale Dudley

    I'm Dale Dudley from the Texas Wildlife Sanctuary in Austin.

  7. 01:16

    Brian Fellow

    Hello, Austin.

  8. 01:20

    Dale Dudley

    No, I'm from the Wildlife Sanctuary in Austin. My name is Dale Dudley.

  9. 01:24

    Brian Fellow

    I'm Brian Fellow.

  10. 01:27

    Dale Dudley

    Hello, Brian. I want you to meet my porcupine friend. His name is Willy.

  11. 01:32

    Brian Fellow

    That rat needs a haircut.

  12. 01:36

    Dale Dudley

    You're half right. The porcupine is in the rodent family. those hairs are actually a thousand quills

  13. 01:42

    Brian Fellow

    all I'm saying is he needs a haircut looking all homeless and stuff

  14. 01:46

    Dale Dudley

    his shaggy appearance is helpful in many ways

  15. 01:51

    Brian Fellow

    well I imagine his sharp quills are evolution's way of provide him with excellent defense against his natural predators

  16. 01:57

    Dale Dudley

    that's that's very good yeah

  17. 02:03

    Brian Fellow

    I'm Brian fellow

  18. 02:04

    Dale Dudley

    and his quills are also It's also important in the mating process, you see. The male impregnates the female by spraying her quills.

  19. 02:13

    Brian Fellow

    Hush up, that dirty talk.

  20. 02:18

    Dale Dudley

    I'm sorry?

  21. 02:19

    Brian Fellow

    We don't talk about the birds and the bees on this show unless our guests are birds or bees, and sometimes not even then.

  22. 02:27

    Dale Dudley

    I'm sorry.

  23. 02:28

    Brian Fellow

    Keep it clean, please.

  24. 02:29

    Dale Dudley

    All right. Well, the quills are also used in self-defense. The tail is covered in over 30,000 quills set in, you know, snake-like barbs,

  25. 02:38

    Brian Fellow

    right?

  26. 02:38

    Dale Dudley

    right, so they can give you a very nasty prick.

  27. 02:40

    Brian Fellow

    See, that's it. I said no dirty talk. That is it. Take him away. You and your shaggy friend have to go. Please. With some soap in your mouth.

  28. 02:52

    Brian Fellow

    I apologize about that, ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully, we'll bleep that on the West Coast. Our next guest likes mud and going to the market. Please welcome a pot-bellied pig. Hey, who are you?

  29. 03:10

    Shawn Kelly

    I'm Shawn Kelly from the Shawn Dale Ranch in Modesto, California.

  30. 03:14

    Brian Fellow

    I'm Brian Fellow.

  31. 03:16

    Shawn Kelly

    Hi, Brian.

  32. 03:17

    Brian Fellow

    Hi.

  33. 03:19

    Shawn Kelly

    Hello. And this is, uh, this is Zevon, and he's a two-year-old miniature pot-bellied pig.

  34. 03:26

    Brian Fellow

    Now, I don't care what he is. He better not talk dirty like that cactus rat. I know that.

  35. 03:32

    Shawn Kelly

    Uh, no, he won't. Well, although pigs are known to play in the mud a bit, they are surprisingly clean animals. They make excellent house pets.

  36. 03:40

    Brian Fellow

    Why does that pig hate Jewish people?

  37. 03:45

    Shawn Kelly

    Wow.

  38. 03:47

    Brian Fellow

    Why? Tell us why he hates Jewish people.

  39. 03:54

    Shawn Kelly

    I have no idea what you're talking about.

  40. 03:57

    Brian Fellow

    Well, you would think that since they don't eat him, he would be happy.

  41. 04:02

    Shawn Kelly

    Okay. well, Well, miniature potbelly pigs aren't bred to be eaten by anyone, so they are happy.

  42. 04:11

    Brian Fellow

    I know your pig got a fat gut. He should wear a big belt buckle. That's what my Uncle Kool-Aid does.

  43. 04:19

    Shawn Kelly

    Do you have an Uncle Kool-Aid?

  44. 04:21

    Brian Fellow

    Leave Kool-Aid out of this, please! So tell us, how's this different than a regular pig?

  45. 04:28

    Shawn Kelly

    Oh, well, that's a great question. Uh, besides the obvious size...

  46. 04:32

    Brian Fellow

    Oh, how's that amount?

  47. 04:33

    Shawn Kelly

    Well, okay, but besides the obvious size difference, the snout on the miniatures is significantly longer than most of your...

  48. 04:38

    Speaker 3

    Hey, Brian, your show is going down the toilet. There's only one way to save it. Let me show everybody my wiener.

  49. 04:45

    Brian Fellow

    No! Uh, I don't want to see your wiener!

  50. 04:55

    Shawn Kelly

    well, I had, uh, no intention of showing you, my wiener.

  51. 04:59

    Brian Fellow

    Well, can you and your bloated friend kill a porcupine?

  52. 05:03

    Shawn Kelly

    Uh, I run a shelter for animals. I-I don't kill them.

  53. 05:06

    Brian Fellow

    What if Abe Lincoln asked you to do it?

  54. 05:10

    Shawn Kelly

    Absolutely not.

  55. 05:11

    Brian Fellow

    Well, I guess I gotta kill him myself. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join me next time when my guest will be a fruit bat, because that's crazy! And I'm Brian Fellow.

  56. 05:22

    Speaker 1

    Bravo. Brian fellows, Brian fellows, Brian Bowles, Bobby Bowles.

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