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Hairem Scarem: Hair Horror Stories
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
The host of Hairem Scarem welcomes guests scarred by their hair. Gwen Nyquist recalls how, on the eve of her wedding, her hairdresser set her perm and went out for coffee, only to be mugged and never come back to take the rods out, leaving her unmarried. Dion Dion of the Chateau de Toupee Hair Institute excuses the stylist, blames careless colleagues and pitches his salon's transitional wigs and support groups for perm sufferers. Val Dooley then tells how her waist-length hair was quietly chopped off as she rode a mall escalator, a racket that turns stolen ponytails into wigs, and she grows suspicious when Dion denies knowing anything about it, since her lost hair was exactly the shade of his. The host signs off by teasing next week's equally unlucky guests.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 4
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
In the world of hair, anything can happen.
Who's to say that that isn't my hair sitting on top of your head?
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Eddie Murphy hosted this episode as a last-minute substitute for his 48 Hrs. co-star Nick Nolte while still a cast member, and this sketch was the first appearance of his recurring hairdresser Dion.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:07
Host
Good evening. Welcome to Harem Scaram, the show where we learn firsthand the horrifying, hair-damaging experiences of everyday people. Tonight, our guests are Gwen Nyquist, perm victim, Val Dooley, unsuspecting target of wig scam, and Dion Dion, consultant representative from the Chateau de Toupet Hair Institute. Gwen. Gwyn, tell us about your experience.
- 00:40
Gwen Nyquist
Well, it was on the eve of my wedding day and I cut out a picture of Melissa Manchester and I brought it to Vince at Merle's House of Beauty. And I said, I want to look exactly like her. So Vince says, you should have a perm, your hair's too thin. So I believed him, it was Vince. So Vince puts the rods in and then he turns to me and he says, coffee? I says, sure, double double. What's double double? double cream and double sugar so Vince goes off and I'm halfway through the Enquirer when I realized that four hours have gone by and Vince isn't back well I did the puzzle and so then a policeman comes in and tells me Vince was mugged and he won't be able to take the rods out so
- 01:20
Host ?
then what happened
- 01:21
Gwen Nyquist
well I didn't get married because of this
- 01:24
Host ?
oh my god was Vince prosecuted
- 01:29
Dion Dion
well you know you you really can't blame Vince. Oftentimes, in many perm cases, you cannot remove the rods on time due to uncontrollable circumstances and sometimes muggings. But on the other hand, I will admit that there are hairdressers in the business that are what is known as scissor happy. In the world of hair, anything can happen.
- 01:48
Host
Well, do you have any advice for Gwen here as to how she can live a normal life with this affliction?
- 01:55
Dion Dion
Oh, certainly. I suggest you visit the Chateau du Toupet. We will fit you with what we call a transitional wig, and of course, we offer group sessions for other perm victims such as yourself.
- 02:05
Host
Well, that sounds very helpful. Thank you.
- 02:08
Val Dooley ?
What about me?
- 02:09
Host
Oh, yes. I was coming to you. Val Dooley, ladies and gentlemen, victim of a wig scam. Val, what happened?
- 02:18
Val Dooley
Well, it wasn't my wedding day or anything like that, but I was at the mall, and I used to have hair down to my buttocks and it was just like Crystal Gale
- 02:29
Dion Dion ?
oh she's got a head of hair
- 02:30
Val Dooley
I Anyway, I was going up the escalator and suddenly I feel something brushing against me and I just figured it was some guy from voter registration and I get to the top and I feel lightheaded and I look in the mirror and somebody's just cut off my hair it's just gone it's just all gone and a friend told me later that it happens a lot to Chinese girls it's like a scam or something and what they do is they cut off your ponytail and they make it into a wig
- 03:11
Host ?
well you are you at all Chinese
- 03:13
Val Dooley
no I don't think so but I do believe that there is a demand for my hair color
- 03:20
Host ?
what color was your hair
- 03:22
Val Dooley
well Well, it was very much like his.
- 03:29
Host
This is just an outrageous story. Mr. Dion, you are in the wig business. Perhaps you've heard of this.
- 03:37
Dion Dion
No, I've never heard of it. It is a shock to me.
- 03:41
Val Dooley
Well, that's just not true because the police told me that it happens all the time. I mean, who's to say that the people that are selling you your hair for your wigs aren't selling you hot hair? I mean, who's to say that that isn't my hair sitting on top of your head?
- 03:57
Host
Well, that's all the time we have for today, folks. Join us next week on Harem Scam when our guests are Vida Cosgrove, who lost her hair in a hunting accident, and Sonya Riddle, who shaved her head for attention. Thank you, and good night.
- 04:43
be right back.
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