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Ants??

Portlandia
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Nina and Lance hire an exterminator who promises to evict their ants without hurting a single one.

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The premise

Here’s the bit.

Nina and Lance want their ant problem solved without harming any animals, so they call in Scout, an exterminator who specializes in humane removal. His plan involves an alpha ant that will persuade the colony to move out and a kombucha blend brewed at his own facility, which delights Nina even as Lance grows skeptical. Nina overrules him, and Scout asks for a few hours alone in the house; once the couple has gone, he wanders through the empty rooms and phones someone to report that he has made it inside.

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Highly quotable.

He's what we call an alpha ant. I call him Coach.

We also introduce a kombucha blend that we brew at our facility.

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

ScriptEnglish · 19 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:00

    Nina

    Hi.

  2. 00:00

    Scout ?

    Good morning.

  3. 00:01

    Nina ?

    How are you?

  4. 00:02

    Nina ?

    You're the exterminator?

  5. 00:03

    Scout

    Yes, my name's Scout. And you guys called about some ants?

  6. 00:07

    Nina ?

    We have an ant problem, but we wanted something that doesn't harm the animals. There's a cat in the neighborhood.

  7. 00:13

    Scout

    Absolutely. This is what I like to call humane extermination. We're not looking to kill any ants.

  8. 00:18

    Lance ?

    How do you humanely rid our house of ants, then?

  9. 00:20

    Scout

    Well, the first thing I like to do is get a sense of the space. And then I'll introduce this guy. He's what we call an alpha ant. I call him Coach. He's going to encourage these ants to say, you know what? Well, maybe this place ain't so great anymore. And so they all head, they all scurry, they all make new lives for themselves. We also introduce a kombucha blend that we brew at our facility.

  10. 00:40

    Oh.

  11. 00:41

    Scout ?

    And it encourages the ants to seek other holes to live in, I guess. It's basically a carrot and stick situation.

  12. 00:49

    Nina

    His story about the carrot, he was referring to once upon a time, they put a stick in front of the donkey, but the stick was connected to the donkey's back, and they put a carrot. And he tried to follow it to the ends of the earth. And he thought, why can't that carrot go in my mouth?

  13. 01:06

    Scout ?

    I do have a pretty full book today, so if we want to...

  14. 01:08

    Lance

    Discrimination just seems pretty cut and dry to me, and I don't want to be experimenting.

  15. 01:13

    Nina

    It's the only humane way to do it, and I don't want to think about it anymore, Lance.

  16. 01:17

    Lance ?

    Okay. We agree to do this, but be careful. Take off your shoes if you're gonna go near the shelves.

  17. 01:22

    Scout

    If you guys want to steer clear of me for just a few hours, it'd be great to have a little privacy, too.

  18. 01:26

    You need privacy?

  19. 01:36

    Scout

    Hey, Scout, I'm in.

The rabbit hole continues

One more couldn’t hurt.

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