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Real Guy Takes Manhattan
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Presented as the trailer for a glossy new romantic film, the sketch opens on a candlelit restaurant where a woman tells her charming date she has never been out with a Scotsman before, and he answers in a smooth, Americanised version of a Scottish accent. Their bald waiter cannot let it pass. Introducing himself as just a real guy from Scotland, he scolds the diner for pronouncing his own country like an actor who has gone off to Hollywood, demonstrates how a proper Scotsman would say it, objects to him calling people buddy, and reels off the words real guys actually use for each other. When the order is taken, the date asks for the chicken and the diner asks for the tuna, setting off a further lecture on how Scots really pronounce the letter T. Finally the waiter invites the woman to come away with a real guy, and she leaves her date sitting alone and walks off with him as the film's title appears.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Well, I'm just a real guy, mate.
Who says buddy in Scotland?
Scottish guys, mate, real guys, we pronounce that T with a ch.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Robert Florence
Writer
Iain Connell
Writer
Iain Davidson
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This sketch aired in the first episode of Burnistoun's third series, broadcast on BBC Two Scotland on 13 August 2012.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Coming to a cinema this fall, open your heart to cinema's hottest new hunky star.
- 00:09
Date
I've never dated a Scotsman before. Are you as wild and crazy as people say?
- 00:15
Scotsman
Oh, there's nothing so wild and crazy as the Scottish.
- 00:20
Real Guy ?
What are you talking that for?
- 00:24
Scotsman ?
Sorry, who are you?
- 00:27
Real Guy
Well, I'm just a real guy, mate. Just like the old guy from Scotland. The question is, who are you mate? Where are you from?
- 00:34
Scotsman ?
I'm from Scotland.
- 00:36
Real Guy
Scotland? Who says Scotland like that mate? I'll tell you who. Scottish actors that have slagged away to Hollywood in fannies. How do you know you say Scotland like a real guy? Now like your da or your uncle would say it. Scotland. Scotland. Scotland. No duh sound in there mate. Not even a tuh sound in there, just an uh. Scotland.
- 01:00
Scotsman
Look, buddy, we're trying to have a romantic dinner here.
- 01:07
Real Guy
Buddy. Buddy, mate. Who says buddy in Scotland? Why can't you call guys things that real guys call guys? Now, things like mucker, mate, Jim, chief, pal, big and wee and... Just things like your da, your uncle would call your uncle or da. Things like, you're mucker, you going to Scotland game of night?
- 01:26
Scotsman ?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, I'm going to Hollywood, so that I can say Scotland like this. Scotland. You can call a real guy... Buddy.
- 01:39
Real Guy
What do you want for your dinner?
- 01:41
Date
I'll have the chicken.
- 01:42
Scotsman
I'll have the tuna.
- 01:44
Real Guy
Tuna? Tuna, mate! Tuna! Ch-ch-ch-tuna! What is it with assholes and the letter T? Scottish guys, mate, real guys, we pronounce that T with a ch. One hen, won't you be a real guy?
- 02:00
Real Guy ?
Cuz this guy is a conch.
- 02:06
Real guy takes Manhattan.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from Burnistoun.
