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The McLaughlin Group Halloween Cold Open

Saturday Night Live1991Season 17Episode 4
Saturday Night LiveSNL
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A Halloween edition of The McLaughlin Group turns political debate into a barrage of scares, until the real host interrupts his own impersonation.

Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube

Community rating

7.0 / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Dana Carvey’s John McLaughlin presides over a panel of costumed pundits, cutting off their attempts to discuss politics and steering the conversation into Halloween scares. Ghost stories, a flashlight and a bowl of cold spaghetti become excuses to harass the guests and dictate his own answers. When Morton Kondracke finally gets an unusually long turn, the panel discovers that its moderator has stopped responding. The real John McLaughlin arrives in a matching black robe, moves the impersonator aside and takes over with the same aggressive questions, interruptions and mangled names. The panel eventually redirects him toward opening the show.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 6

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Not scary enough.

John, why are you letting me speak so long?

You can start the show now, you big ham.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

SNL Archives notes that reruns replace the first minute with dress rehearsal footage and make further edits for pacing.

ScriptEnglish · 38 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:08

    John McLaughlin

    The Mid-East Peace Conference, trick or treat? Will the Israelis cooperate, or does the Palestinian delegation have them spooked? Papu Cannon!

  2. 00:16

    Pat Buchanan

    Well, I think Israel is justifiably...

  3. 00:19

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! Goes to Fred Barnes.

  4. 00:21

    Fred Barnes

    I don't think a withdrawal...

  5. 00:22

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! More tone!

  6. 00:23

    Morton Kondracke

    Well, the Palestinians are probably...

  7. 00:25

    John McLaughlin

    Not scary enough. Jack-o'-lantern-jamon.

  8. 00:29

    Jack Germond

    John, I'd really prefer...

  9. 00:30

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! The correct answer is the Mid-East Peace Talks will be ghoulishly successful. H-O-2! A little girl was gathering wood in the forest for her stepmother when suddenly a storm began to brew. The girl took refuge in a nearby abandoned mansion. Who was lurking in the cobwebs, I ask you? Morton!

  10. 00:48

    Morton Kondracke

    Uh, a grave robber?

  11. 00:50

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! Flapper Jack-o'-jamundo!

  12. 00:53

    Jack Germond

    I don't know. Big Bad Wolf?

  13. 00:56

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! You're getting cold, not warm. Fred bought... Patrick Adams! Were you scared, Pat?

  14. 01:03

    Pat Buchanan

    Of course I'm not.

  15. 01:05

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! Wrong! You wish you were never born. Next issue! Close your eyes. Issue three. Is it called spaghetti or a human brain? Jack, come on!

  16. 01:15

    Jack Germond

    I'm not gonna play this game.

  17. 01:17

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! Pat Buchanan, guess if you dare. Come on, Morton, I know you'll try.

  18. 01:22

    Morton Kondracke

    Well, I'm gonna have to say it feels like spaghetti.

  19. 01:25

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! The correct answer is... Next issue! The corpse of Hubert Humphrey will rise from the grave Hey there, this night is out. Agree or disagree. Papio Cardin!

  20. 01:38

    Pat Buchanan ?

    John, can we please just...

  21. 01:40

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! Freddy Krueger!

  22. 01:41

    Fred Barnes

    Well, it's Fred Burns and...

  23. 01:43

    John McLaughlin

    Wrong! Jack Jumbo! Jack Jumbo!

  24. 01:50

    Jack Germond

    You know, I really have no opinion on...

  25. 01:52

    John McLaughlin

    Maybe this will help you. How about you more, Tony Maloney?

  26. 01:58

    Morton Kondracke

    Well, Senator Humphrey has been dead for over 15 years, so if there were a living corpse, I would think the Democrats would have no interest in...

  27. 02:08

    Morton Kondracke

    John, why are you letting me speak so long?

  28. 02:11

    Morton Kondracke ?

    John. John.

  29. 02:21

    Self / Death ?

    Sorry,

  30. 02:46

    Self / Death

    the teasing was starting to get to me and I had to take action. Issue our unified Europe. Good for them, how about us? Boone or Bain? Freddie, Barnes, and Noble.

  31. 02:57

    Fred Barnes

    Well, I think we depend far too much.

  32. 02:59

    Self / Death

    Wrong. Patty cake, patty cake. Baker's Buchanan.

  33. 03:03

    Pat Buchanan ?

    You're about to be concerned that we're, you know...

  34. 03:05

    Self / Death

    Wrong! More Tony Bennett, less Tony Martin.

  35. 03:09

    Morton Kondracke

    Well, I would have to say...

  36. 03:11

    Self / Death

    Wrong! Jack, Jack, bow back. Banana, fanna, faux fac. Pea, pie, faux mac. Jack!

  37. 03:22

    Jack Germond ?

    All right, you can start the show now, you big ham.

  38. 03:25

    Self / Death

    It'll be my pleasure. Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

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