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Funeral Home
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
At a funeral home, a man wearing a race number mourns beside the open casket of Gavin's mother, who wears the matching number from the dance marathon they nearly won. Gavin accepts a casserole and shares odd musings about death until his father arrives in a leather jacket, out of jail overnight with a police escort. Dad introduces Sheila, a brassy pen pal in yellow, as Gavin's new mom, then goes off to haggle with the funeral director, Murray, over the cost of embalming fluid. Left together, Sheila clumsily tries to bond with Gavin, who rattles off things that would make a better mother, while she offers unsettling stories about her own mother's death and her infertility. Dad declares the four of them, policeman included, a family, says a quick goodbye and departs, leaving Gavin alone with Sheila, who assures him he will one day look back on this as the best time of his life.
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Highly quotable.
Now I see the tragic side of dance marathons.
I don't want you to think of her so much as your new mom, but more as a stranger in the kitchen wearing your old mom's clothes.
One day you're going to look back upon this as the best time of your life.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
KITHfan.org's episode guide lists this sketch as "Mother's Funeral". Kevin McDonald's character, Gavin's father, returns in the season 4 sketch "Gavin Finds Religion".
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:07
Dance Partner
Now And now I see the tragic side of dance marathons. We were this close to winning.
- 00:16
Dance Partner ?
I don't know why you're blabbering.
- 00:19
Gavin ?
She's my mom.
- 00:22
Dance Partner ?
She's my mom.
- 00:24
Gavin ?
Yeah.
- 00:26
Dance Partner ?
Yeah, you're right.
- 00:29
Gavin, here's a casserole.
- 00:32
Gavin
Why, because you don't know how to communicate with me because my mom is dad?
- 00:36
Something like that.
- 00:39
Gavin ?
mosquitoes only live for one day you know so if they skip breakfast i guess they had a bad childhood if death is the great teacher what about my science teacher mr gorgon chuck who when you leave the fan on his ears whistle so you always leave the fan on
- 00:55
Gavin ?
hi
- 01:01
Gavin's Dad
Hey, gavin
- 01:02
Gavin
hi dad are you out on probation
- 01:06
Gavin's Dad
no I'm just out overnight to uh settle things
- 01:11
Gavin
dad this kid at school this kid at school he's still got a mom
- 01:16
Gavin's Dad ?
is that so
- 01:17
Gavin
yeah and that can't be fair cuz all she ever eats is vodka and coffee and bridge mix
- 01:22
Gavin's Dad
yeah my little son my little seed my little legal legal responsibility sure that'll work would you excuse me for a moment son
- 01:35
Gavin
where are you going to steal a car to steal a car
- 01:37
Gavin's Dad ?
gee Gee, thanks
- 01:42
Gavin's Dad
hey gavin i have something to tell you son gavin this is sheila
- 01:48
Sheila ?
hi
- 01:48
Gavin ?
hello
- 01:50
Gavin's Dad
now sheila and i have been writing letters during my time in jail and i got the day off for the funeral so i thought i killed two birds with one stone gavin this is your new mom
- 02:00
Gavin ?
i mom
- 02:03
Gavin's Dad
now I don't want you to think of her so much as your new mom but but more as a stranger in the kitchen wearing your old mom's clothes. And, uh, filling them out a bit better, too, I might add.
- 02:14
Sheila
Oh, Nick.
- 02:15
Gavin's Dad
No, it's true. Okay, I'll leave you two alone for a moment while I go settle the tab. Get close. Get really close.
- 02:20
Sheila ?
Okay, okay, I'm fine. I'm fine.
- 02:23
Sheila
Hi! Hi there. Hi there, little guy. Hi there, little mourner. I bet you're down because your mom's dead, huh?
- 02:38
Gavin ?
dad
- 02:39
Sheila ?
gavin dad is busy haggling
- 02:40
Gavin's Dad
come on marie 12 quarts of embalming fluid who you trying to kid
- 02:45
Sheila
gavin i bet i know what would cheer you up
- 02:47
Gavin
if my mom came back to life and murdered you
- 02:52
Sheila ?
no if sheila had a cigarette
- 02:54
Gavin
you know what would make a better new mom what a hen or a dog or a rat or a cow or a clump of mud or a piece of string
- 03:00
Sheila
gavin i know how you feel i do because you see See, my mom died, too. Yeah, she did. OK, it was a little bit different. She'd been in a coma for 10 years, and I was over 40. But still, when they pulled that plug, I was in
- 03:14
Gavin ?
- Dad!
- 03:15
Gavin's Dad
Look, it's not too late for me to make other arrangements. You're not the only funeral home in this city, my friend.
- 03:21
Sheila
It must have come as a big shock to have a new mom, huh? I know I found it a shock to be told I had a son. You see, I'm barren. And just like the prairies, you keep driving and driving, and nothing happens.
- 03:35
Gavin ?
Fake mom, vinyl mom, tweet and lol mom.
- 03:39
Gavin's Dad ?
Great, he's calling you mom.
- 03:41
Gavin ?
I hate her.
- 03:43
Sheila
I don't know, Nick. He said the hate word.
- 03:45
Gavin's Dad
Yeah, hate, love, and the whole damn thing. The important thing is that we're a family. A son, a dad, a Sheila, and a cock. Now it's showtime. Can I have a moment alone with my son? Well, bye.
- 04:07
Right!
- 04:11
Sheila
Well, Looks like it's just the two of us now, huh? Oh, little guy. I know it seems rough right now, but one day you're going to look back upon this as the best time of your life.
- 04:23
Gavin
I sure hope not.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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