Murder on the Oregon Express

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:03

   From Hollywood, California, we bring you Murder on the Oregon Express.

2. 00:10

   Starring Buddy Edson as Barnaby Jones.

3. 00:14
   

   Barnaby Jones

   Seems to me that death is simply nature's way of telling you to slow down.

4. 00:20

   Special guest star, Peter Falk as Columbo.

5. 00:25
   

   Columbo

   Oh, Miss, you happen to see a red oriental book written by, oh, written by, the name's on the tip of my, tip of my, not the tip of my, no, the tip of my, the, tongue, yeah, tongue, noisy tongue, yeah. Well, pardon me, Miss, but if you didn't see it, how do you know who wrote it?

6. 00:53
   

   Columbo ?

   I wouldn't hold you.

7. 00:54
   

   Witness ?

   For questioning?

8. 00:56
   

   Columbo ?

   Not necessarily.

9. 00:57

   um also starring david mckillum as the invisible man extra special co-guest star raymond burr as ironside

10. 01:19
    

    Ironside

    hey there sergeant you think you can get me a box of matches i say yeah mark do you have any lighter parts

11. 01:31

    Mark Sanger

    oh chief i'm the same color all over

12. 01:55
    

    Marshal McCloud

    now hold on there just a minute uh my name is marshall mcleod and i'm here to tell you this department is reserved you're supposed to be here would you mind turn that blame thing off and hear myself think with that noise going on all the time i say would you mind turn that noise eyes off.

13. 02:11

    Young Man with Radio ?

    I can't.

14. 02:29
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Mind if I join you, Cannon?

15. 02:31
    

    Cannon

    Be my guest. Monsieur Hercule Poirot here was just saying that there's no such thing as the perfect crime.

16. 02:41
    

    Hercule Poirot

    It is quite true.

17. 02:43
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Yeah, I'll go along with that. Well, I remember one time in New York, we had a fellow rob a bank, didn't leave no fingerprints, no nothing. He got cleaned away with over half a million dollars in used notes. On the way to the getaway car, he got mugged.

18. 02:59
    

    Hercule Poirot ?

    Well, we all make mistakes.

19. 03:02
    

    Cannon ?

    We sure do.

20. 03:03
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Well, I remember one time I followed a platinum blonde in a long black gown for four blocks before I found out it was a high court judge. The case comes up next Friday.

21. 03:14
    

    Hercule Poirot

    We in Paris, France, Europe, also have a lot of vice and creed. Stealing, robbery, buglery, ship-lofting, and pork-picketing.

22. 03:25
    

    Cannon ?

    Chop-lifting and pig-picketing.

23. 03:28
    

    Hercule Poirot

    Not to mention man's laughter

24. 03:33
    

    Cannon ?

    Man's laughter?

25. 03:34
    

    Hercule Poirot

    I said not to mention man's laughter

26. 03:36
    

    Cannon

    Monsieur Poirot, I must admit I find your conversation completely resistible But unfortunately, my stomach is beginning to ask if my throat is cut So if you'll excuse me, I'll just havel along to the dining car Oh, pardon me, Sergeant Peppermint Oh, dear, oh, God I'm sorry about it. I haven't been so embarrassed since I was with the president's daughter, examining her magnificent pair of bristles. Pistols! The speaker ran across the White House alone. They had to convene a special assize court for him, and the thing she said about him...

27. 04:13
    

    Sgt. Pepper ?

    What assize?

28. 04:14
    

    Cannon ?

    I don't think she said that.

29. 04:16
    

    Sgt. Pepper ?

    I wouldn't say.

30. 04:18
    

    Cannon

    I really only wanted a bite, you know. Looks like I'm either going to starve to death or die of ecstasy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about this. I hope you won't hold it against me.

31. 04:28
    

    Sgt. Pepper

    That's exactly what I am doing.

32. 04:31
    

    Cannon ?

    Thank you so clearly.

33. 04:33
    

    Sgt. Pepper ?

    The pressure was all mine.

34. 04:35
    

    Cannon ?

    Don't you believe it.

35. 04:38
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Remember my old sheriff? He used to say, shoot first and ask questions afterwards.

36. 04:44
    

    Hercule Poirot ?

    Well, you didn't get many answers that way.

37. 04:48
    

    Ironside

    McLeod, do you realize that while you've been sitting there joy, the man has been viciously attacked?

38. 04:59
    

    Ironside ?

    You've been shot 14 times, stabbed 17 times.

39. 05:06
    

    Marshal McCloud ?

    Did he have any enemies?

40. 05:08
    

    Ironside ?

    Of course he had.

41. 05:16
    

    Ironside

    The driver wouldn't keep speeding up and slowing down all the time. Well, McCloud, you're the only one on duty officially.

42. 05:23
    

    Marshal McCloud ?

    Now you just leave everything to me.

43. 05:26
    

    Ironside ?

    Don't pull that chair!

44. 05:29
    

    Marshal McCloud ?

    Wish to heaven you had.

45. 05:44
    

    Ironside

    Well, get on with it, MacLeod.

46. 05:47
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Well, all right, I'm going. Say, either of you two fellas know anything about a murder?

47. 05:58

    Kojak

    Come on, sweetheart. I'm on vacation, do you mind?

48. 06:01

    Kojak ?

    Hey, you don't even hear anything to do with it, do you?

49. 06:04

    Kojak

    Hey, meathead, tell him what's written on the barrel of your gun.

50. 06:08
    

    Stavros

    It says, uh, uh, uh, hold by the other end.

51. 06:13

    Kojak

    What'd I tell you? Who loves you, baby? You're beautiful.

52. 06:16
    

    Ironside

    McCloud, why don't you check who went near the victim's compartment?

53. 06:20
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Well, I know who went up that way. I'm gonna shame them into confessing, like we did back in Little Creek. I'll tell them I know everything. That's what I'm gonna tell them.

54. 06:31
    

    Cannon

    You want to see me, McCloud?

55. 06:37
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Tannen, I know everything.

56. 06:40
    

    Cannon

    You know everything?

57. 06:41
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Yes, Tannen, everything.

58. 06:44
    

    Cannon

    Well, McCloud, I mean, see it my way. I mean, you were away and your wife was lonely. I was lonely, and we were sexually attracted to each other because she's a very attractive woman. I beg. God, she begs. I'm in heaven. I have to, but you... I'm sorry about that. I couldn't help it, you understand?

59. 07:06
    

    Marshal McCloud ?

    Well, don't let be, though.

60. 07:09
    

    Sgt. Pepper

    You wanted to see me, Marshal?

61. 07:10
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Sergeant Pepper, I know everything.

62. 07:14
    

    Sgt. Pepper

    Everything?

63. 07:15
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Yes, Sergeant Pepper, I know everything.

64. 07:16
    

    Sgt. Pepper

    thing oh sir sir I'm not really immoral it's just that I can't say no to a man in uniform at least I don't think I am it's just that smoking makes me feel sexy I mean every time I have a cigarette I just want to grab the nearest man and tell him I called

65. 07:34
    

    Marshal McCloud ?

    don't you worry about things all right dear sauce and pepper you go your compartment sit down I'll be along half tap in a in a minute. In the meantime, I can smoke that.

66. 07:42
    

    Marshal McCloud ?

    Well, I never did, but I sure as hell am going to.

67. 07:50
    

    Barnaby Jones

    You don't see me, McClare?

68. 07:52
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Barnaby Jones, I know everything.

69. 07:56
    

    Barnaby Jones

    Everything? You You know everything?

70. 07:59
    

    Marshal McCloud

    Yes, old-timer. I know everything.

71. 08:02
    

    Barnaby Jones

    My son! My son! My little brother's son.

72. 08:09
    

    Barnaby Jones ?

    I'll keep them.

73. 08:14

    This has been a Quinn Martin, Barton, Harton, Larton, and Fargo production.