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Lazy Writers: Speedo
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Lounging in deckchairs in a back garden, writers Andrew Turner and John Gibson explain that they knocked out ten episodes of an American courtroom drama without bothering to learn much about courtrooms, America or drama, since hardly anyone has been to America or met a lawyer anyway. Their show follows Speedo, the best defence attorney in a Palm Springs they place in Florida, who tells his colleague Janice he is switching sides to prosecute, then undercuts the noble speech with an appalling joke. The Mayor, dressed in a feathered tricorn hat and period finery, makes him her chief lawyer and brings up their past fling, and he meets a new team of three young lawyers who each recite the same tough, brilliant, Ivy League credentials before he lays out his troubled relationship with his daughter and the attitude problem caused by his too-tight Speedos. In court he simply repeats the same question to a defendant until he confesses, a moody montage shows the Mayor at a bar and Speedo in bed declaring his love of justice, and mid-way through a wallet-theft case his daughter phones to complain that he missed her 16th birthday, so he promises to try to make her 17th before turning back to bellow at the witness and pull a gun.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 8
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
It's time to use my powers for good, not evil.
I was just thinking about how much I goddamn love justice.
Have you ever thought about getting some Speedos that fit you better? — Maybe when I'm dead.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
David Kerr
Director
Gareth Edwards
Producer
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The story continues later in the same episode in Lazy Writers: Speedo: Part II, in which Speedo has to be recast after the original actor dies.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Well, the thing about writing an American courtroom drama is that even though we don't necessarily know that much about courtrooms or America... Or drama. No, no, we do know about drama, is what I'm saying. We felt that it being such a rarefied field, we didn't need to mess around with that much so-called research before knocking out ten episodes. Yeah. I mean, how many people do you know who have actually been to America or met a lawyer? or both or either or either doesn't happen
- 00:33
Janice
damn it speedo you're the best defense attorney this side of palm springs in florida so why are you now going to become a prosecutor isn't it like poacher turned gatekeeper already
- 00:43
Speedo
listen janice i'm sick of sticking up for rapists brilliantly so they don't go to prison it's time to use my powers for good not evil
- 00:48
Janice
yeah a lot of people wondered why you stuck up for rapists in the first place
- 00:51
Speedo
i guess i just like rapists
- 00:53
Janice
speedo
- 00:53
Speedo
relax janice that's just my wicked sense of humor i'm brilliant partly because i'm fucked up
- 00:58
Madam Mayor
you You can say that again.
- 01:01
Speedo
Madam Mayor.
- 01:02
Madam Mayor
So, you're my new chief lawyer in charge of making criminals go to prison instead of sticking up for them so they don't.
- 01:09
Speedo
That's me.
- 01:10
Madam Mayor
Tell me, do you still wear Speedos in bed?
- 01:14
Speedo
Madam Mayor, I know I work for you now, but I need to remind you, it was a very long time ago that we were shacking.
- 01:20
Madam Mayor
And I need to remind you that you work for me now.
- 01:23
Don't remind me. I need it. Don't.
- 01:30
Mr. Speedo?
- 01:32
Speedo
Janice.
- 01:33
I'm not Janice. Mr. Speedo, it's time for you to meet your new team.
- 01:39
Madam Mayor. Janice.
- 01:46
Mr. Speedo, we are new.
- 01:48
Speedo
I know who you are. Kenny Kelly, tough, brilliant, but unpredictable. Graduated Yale, first class, come loud, hey. Brian Beaufort, tough, brilliant, and a chess grandmaster. Graduated Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. Come loudly in first class. Mike Mantley, tough, brilliant, and a complete asshole. Graduated Stanford, Yale, Harvard, Foxton's. Come loudly, come by all. Yeah, I've read the files. Now, what do you want to do? Suck my dick or look at some villains? Because let me tell you people, I've got a complicated relationship with my daughter and a perennial attitude problem due to the fact my Speedos are too tight for me. So let me tell you, you need to decide what's it going to be? My way or the freeway?
- 02:22
Madam Mayor
Why did I hire Speedo? He's tough.
- 02:26
Speedo
Did you rape this woman?
- 02:27
Alleged Rapist
No.
- 02:27
Speedo
Did you rape this woman?
- 02:29
Alleged Rapist
No.
- 02:29
Speedo
Did you rape this woman?
- 02:30
Alleged Rapist
No.
- 02:31
Speedo
Did you rape this woman?
- 02:34
Alleged Rapist
Yes, yes, whatever you say.
- 02:37
Madam Mayor
go for the questions he loves justice
- 02:42
what What is it leslie
- 02:47
Speedo
i was just thinking about how much i goddamn love justice
- 02:53
have you ever thought about getting some speedos that fit you better and
- 03:03
Speedo
Maybe when I'm dead
- 03:05
Madam Mayor
And he always does the right thing in the end
- 03:08
Speedo
did you steal his wallet
- 03:10
Alleged Thief
no
- 03:10
Speedo
did you steal his wallet
- 03:12
Hold on, Speedo. Speedo.
- 03:16
Devin Speedo
Daddy?
- 03:17
Speedo
Honey?
- 03:18
Devin Speedo
You missed my 16th birthday.
- 03:21
Speedo
Damn it. I'm sorry, honey. I've been real busy at work.
- 03:24
Devin Speedo
I guess I just missed Mom.
- 03:27
Speedo
That's right. Listen, I'm gonna make it up to you. How about I come to your 17th birthday?
- 03:34
Devin Speedo
Really?
- 03:34
Speedo
I'll try.
- 03:36
Devin Speedo
Thanks, Daddy. I love you.
- 03:40
Speedo
I love you, too. Great kid. Did you sell his wallet?
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from That Mitchell and Webb Look.
