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Colin and Ray: Football
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Ray walks into the office and finds Colin at a desk dressed in Liverpool gear, ready to gloat about last week’s match. Ray, who admits he is not really into football, objects to the way Colin talks about his team’s results as though he had played in them. To make the point, Ray announces that he took part in Raiders of the Lost Ark because he likes the film, then argues Colin’s claim on the team is just as flimsy. He closes with one more movie boast of his own.
The funny people
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Say it with us
Highly quotable.
We? We? You weren't on the pitch either.
It's a film I like, so I've decided that myself and anyone else who likes it was actually in it, taking part.
It must be brain damage from all that boxing I did in Raging Bull.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Colin
Hi, Ray
- 00:02
Ray
morning Colin and before you say another word, of course, I've noticed all the football stuff. All right
- 00:07
Colin
Yeah, of course. You're a Spurs fan, aren't you?
- 00:10
Ray
Well, my family are I'm not really into football As I said last time you suddenly remembered you were a massive Liverpool fan 20 seconds after they'd won the European Cup
- 00:20
Colin
Well, I'm gonna let you off after what we did to you last week
- 00:23
Ray
I'm sorry.
- 00:25
Colin
I said I'll forget that you're a Spurs fan after what we did to you
- 00:28
Ray
What? What you did to me? You didn't do anything to me.
- 00:32
Colin
We're a man down, you fluke a penalty, but we wallop you with two in extra time. That 90-second minute, mate, oh, you had it coming.
- 00:38
Ray
Perhaps you've mistaken me for a professional goalkeeper or something, but I wasn't actually on the pitch, you know.
- 00:43
Colin
We're going to troll you in the league.
- 00:45
Ray
We? We? You weren't on the pitch either. As far as I know, you were in the back bar of the Red Line watching a game on the television with your mother.
- 00:53
Colin
God, she can drink these days. I'm telling you, Ray, the way we're playing, we're gonna be unstoppable this season for god's sake shut up 12 points ahead with a game in hand you don't stand a chance we've got it in us to go all the way
- 01:05
Ray
can i ask you a question colin do you remember when we were chasing the germans and we were punched through the windscreen but then we fell under that lorry but climbed back onto it and beat the driver up
- 01:18
Colin
what
- 01:19
Ray
when we were chasing the nazis they'd stolen the ark of the covenant and we were trying to get it back
- 01:24
Colin
You've lost me.
- 01:25
Ray
In Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's a film I like, so I've decided that myself and anyone else who likes it was actually in it, taking part. Do you like Raiders of the Lost Ark?
- 01:36
Colin
Not particularly.
- 01:37
Ray
Oh, you're not one of us. Right, well, at the end, we're tied to a stake stuck in the ground and then you lot open up the Ark of the Covenant and the wrath of God melts your face.
- 01:47
Colin
No, you can't do that.
- 01:49
Ray
Yes, I can. I really like that film, so I'm in it.
- 01:53
Colin
That's not the same.
- 01:55
Ray
It's exactly the same. I've as much claim to be personally involved in Raiders of the Lost Ark as you've got to be in whatever it was your football team did last week.
- 02:03
Colin
You don't understand football.
- 02:05
Ray
Well, I'll admit, I don't quite follow how you, a man who lives over 200 miles away from the home ground of your chosen team, can claim some deep attachment to a bunch of overpaid hired hands from all four corners of the globe who temporarily wear the same coloured shirt as you're currently wearing. But then maybe I'm a bit slow. It must be brain damage from all that boxing I did in Raging Bull.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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