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Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Murder Is Bad for Your Health

SCTV 1978 Season 2 Episode 14

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

John Candy's Alfred Hitchcock presents a grim little English thriller in which a fortune-hunting husband tries to tip his chattering, wheelchair-bound wife off a cliff.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

After Hitchcock's deadpan introduction, Cecil wheels his wealthy wife Cynthia to the edge of a moorland cliff at night, hoping to finish her off. Cynthia keeps derailing the plan with rambling picnic anecdotes and declarations of love, until Cecil snaps, confesses he married her for her money and loves another woman, and struggles to get her over the edge, strangling her as she keeps asking for compliments. Back in the studio, Hitchcock reports that Cecil was caught fleeing on a train and pays for the crime on a noose, then admits the ending is no match for Psycho and launches into clumsy one-man re-enactments of the shower scene and The Birds.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 3

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

But my dear, it's such a lovely view, and it's only a 1,500-foot drop.

Do you think I'm pretty when my eyes are bulging out like this?

Of course, this ending isn't nearly as satisfying as the ending of Psycho, my greatest film and probably the scariest movie ever made.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

Joe Flaherty and Andrea Martin are credited on screen as SCTV's fictional actors Rodney Cockney and Lucy Parpouzian. Cecil and Cynthia return in SCTV's Series 3 parody of Gaslight.

ScriptEnglish · 32 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:00
Alfred Hitchcock
Good evening. Tonight's story takes place in a not-so-very-merry old England. It's the story of a woman whose greed is matched only by her avarice, and a man whose ambition is matched only by his time. Our story in a moment, but first, this commercial message.
00:28
Next on SCTV.
00:30
Cecil
But my dear, it's such a lovely view. Oh. And it's only a 1,500-foot drop.
00:53
Yes?
00:58
Cynthia ?
Setter?
00:58
Cecil ?
Yes?
00:59
Cynthia ?
Setter?
00:59
Cecil ?
I didn't rump you in the hay, we romped in the hay, and it wasn't here, it was in the barn.
01:10
Cynthia
I just remembered.
01:16
Cecil ?
What?
01:17
Cynthia
When we were here, we were having a picnic on the moors, and we came up here, and we were having just a lovely time, and we were sitting there, and you said, Cynthia, Cynthia, is there any beef? And I said, beef? Well, let me check then. So I looked around, I looked around, and there was some pork, and there was some chicken, chicken and there was some potato salad well it wasn't very good but there was some and i said not a piece of beef
01:59
Cecil
yes i remember that was the stupidest anecdote you've ever told
02:18
Cecil ?
closer yes closer
02:19
Cynthia ?
how close do you want me
02:21
Cecil ?
not that close
02:22
Cynthia
with our main circle but you understand i don't care as long as you love me and i love you and i do love you cecil that's why i made you the beneficiary of our will.
02:40
Cecil
The beneficiary of your will. Yes, for that, my dear, I'll be eternally grateful.
02:50
Cynthia
The beneficiary of my will. I do, Cecil. Cecil. Cecil. Cecil. Cecil, I love you. I love you.
03:08
Cecil
Shut up. I hate you.
03:10
Cynthia
I love you, Cecil. I love you, Cecil.
03:11
Cecil
Well, I hate you. You! I've always hated you! You know that, Cynthia? And you're right, I only did marry you for your money. Who? Yes, and I do love Sybil! Oh, Sybil! Oh, Sybil, the way she moves! The way she undulates her hips! Oh, those lips, those sensuous... No! But you, you... I hate you, you vixen! I've always hated you, and now I'm going to kill you, you... Die, you old hag! Over the side with you! Get off the... Get... Get out of the wheelchair!
03:39
Cynthia ?
Yes, sir, wait!
03:40
Cecil ?
What?
03:40
Cynthia
Get out! I don't think it's silly that I'm stuck in this darn wheelchair. Oh, get out!
03:48
Cecil
Very well, my dear. I shall squeeze the life out of you.
03:52
Cynthia ?
No.
03:52
Cecil ?
Yes.
03:55
Cynthia
Cesar? Cesar?
03:57
Cecil ?
What?
03:57
Cynthia
Do you think I'm pretty when my eyes are bulging out like this? Do you, Cesar? Cesar? Do you? Cesar? Cesar?
04:05
Cecil
All right. That's it. Die! Die! Over the side with you! Finally! Finished! Done with!
04:37
Alfred Hitchcock
Needless to say, Cecil ultimately committed this dastardly crime and was apprehended by the constabulary while fleeing on a train to Kent and was made to pay his debt to society in full, like this. Of course, this ending isn't nearly as satisfying as the ending of Psycho, my greatest film and probably the scariest movie ever made. That's the one where Tony Perkins was dressed as a woman, a little old woman, played by himself. He was very scary in this one. He had a little wig, lived in a big old house. And that's when Janet Leigh drove into the motel owned by these people, and she went in to take a shower. Janet Leigh was in the shower, bathing very nicely. And then I had Killer come in and... Oh, no, get away! Of course, all the chocolate syrup was used, of course, instead of blood, of course. But that's it. Again, when the detective came in, and the little old lady, she went crazy on him. She threw him in the quicksand. Down and down he went. Of course, it was a very scary and frightening movie. Of course, the birds was another exciting movie of mine. That's where there was lots of crazy little birds flying all over the place, attacking little children. Running away, landing on the heads, landing on the heads. They were put on wigs. They would go crazy, up and down, up and down. Then they would run on the sides. Of course, this will be the last time that I'll ever do another movie again because my old tick is beating like a rabbit right now. But that's the result of many horrific, scary productions produced by me. Thank you very much. Good night.