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Gus Gustofferson - Security Guard

SCTV 1976 Season 1 Episode 2

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A studio security guard investigates a puppeteer’s murder and keeps strengthening the case against himself.

Watch on YouTube

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Gus rounds up the staff of SCTV after a puppeteer is found dead on Captain Combat’s set. Each suspect has a grievance, but the guard’s complaints about parking spaces and sign-in rules become the most revealing testimony. With a pistol on his belt and an enthusiastic supply of homemade dramatic music, Gus slowly works out where his own investigation is leading.

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

This man is dead. And this puppet's badly wounded.

Oh, make sure you sign out before you do, okay?

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

The title card spells the guard’s surname “Gusstofferson”; the character is usually listed as Gus Gustofferson.

ScriptEnglish · 27 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:00
Gus Gustofferson
This man is dead. And this puppet's badly wounded. No one leaves this studio.
00:07
Captain Combat ?
I'm leaving.
00:08
Gus Gustofferson
Oh, make sure you sign out before you do, okay?
00:10
Captain Combat ?
Are you some kind of cop or something?
00:11
Gus Gustofferson
No, I'm... Gus Gustafsson, security guard. Dun-dun-dun-dun!
00:22
Speaker 1 ?
Dedicated to those brave men in gray who courageously protect our aisles and doorways, a Quince Martin production. And now, act one.
00:30
Gus Gustofferson
You, sit over there. You, over here. Move! Come on, you on the floor. I want you sitting over here. I want to know where everybody is. Now, someone in this room is a murderer. Dun-dun-dun-dun! Now, which of you two is Miss Lucille Hitzker, huh?
00:47
Lucille Hitzger
I'm Lucille Hitzker, young man.
00:49
Perini Scleroso ?
I'm Lucille Hitzker.
00:51
Gus Gustofferson
Can you tell me the reason why you might have wanted to kill puppeteer Nolte Moinefield?
00:56
Lucille Hitzger
Well, of course I can. Oh, that man was a hateful swine. He was always touching people with that rabbit and then blaming it on the rabbit. Oh, he was dirty, dirty, dirty.
01:06
Perini Scleroso ?
Oh, he was darned.
01:08
Gus Gustofferson
Blame the rabbit. He was a terrible man, all right. He was always taking up two places in the parking lot and people would come up to me and complain to me as if it was my fault, you know, that he was taking up two places in the parking lot. There wouldn't be any room for any other cars, you know, when the lot was full. He didn't sign in either. You know that? Do you know how hard that is on a security guard when a guy comes in and doesn't sign in? i don't know if he's in the studio people call looking for him i have to say i don't know if he's here he didn't sign in oh sometimes i wanted to kill him dun dun dun dun why did you hate him huh
01:43
Perini Scleroso ?
why you ain't home all right
01:46
Gus Gustofferson
no more questions for you
01:47
Perini Scleroso ?
all right no questions
01:48
Lucille Hitzger ?
no you don't have to say that oh you're boring
01:50
Gus Gustofferson
you dennis peterson alias swami banana
01:55
Swami Banananda (Dennis Peterson)
i hate you cops you guys are all the same once a guy gets a record your screws won't get off his back yeah i hated him all right he had photos of me in a compromising position with myself i wouldn't hurt that bunny rabbit
02:09
Gus Gustofferson
what about you captain combat why did you hate him
02:12
Captain Combat
oh i didn't hate him no i don't hate anyone except the north koreans of course they're bad but mr lampier wasn't a north korean no no no besides i was uh with the schmeisser at the time you know holding the schmeisser and uh and he was killed with a pistol you remember with a pistol not unlike the one you're wearing right there
02:33
Gus Gustofferson
did any of you see anybody suspicious hanging around the studio today
02:38
Lucille Hitzger
oh i saw you gus hanging around the ladies room right next door
02:42
Perini Scleroso ?
oh right next
02:43
Gus Gustofferson
so let me get this straight you claim you You sit on me, hanging around the studio. I've got the only gun that could have killed him, and I foolishly admitted that I hated him. Wait a minute. Am I trying to say that... Am I accusing myself of... murder? Dun-dun-dun-dun!
03:13
Speaker 2 ?
Join us again next week for another exciting episode of Gus Gustafsson's Security Guard.
03:17
Captain Combat ?
Dippity-dippity-dippity-dip...