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Woman of Darkness
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Master Taylor has come to an old house to clear out a dead woman's belongings when a noise from a locked room brings his lantern-carrying servant Mippins running with a warning: the Woman of Darkness has stalked these halls for 130 years and will drag them both to hell. When the door opens on a wailing ghost, Taylor is smitten rather than scared, and ignores warnings about his soul to try a corny pick-up line, which she rejects. As he slinks off to bed, Mippins offers to be his wingman and sells his master to the ghost, who happily has Taylor delivered to her. Taylor vanishes into the dark room with her and staggers out moments later in a panic: she wants children soon, and somehow she is already with child. The sketch ends as a mock NHS safe-sex warning about ghosts.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Why didn't you tell me she's hot?
Would you permit me to wingman you, sir?
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Master Taylor
That That terrible sound again, coming from that locked room. Oh, I should never have come to this blasted house to sort through the things of that old dead woman.
- 00:13
Mippins ?
Master Taylor!
- 00:15
Master Taylor
Mippins. What are you doing out of bed? Thank Jove, that wretched creaking thing zappering again behind the door.
- 00:22
Mippins
Do not approach that cursed room, Master Taylor. What lurks in there will damn us all to hell.
- 00:27
Master Taylor
Tell me, Mippins, what lurks?
- 00:31
Mippins
Not what, sir. but who is is the the woman the woman of darkness
- 00:43
Master Taylor
my my eyes must be deceiving me I'll open the door once more Mippins
- 00:48
Mippins ?
but sir
- 00:49
Master Taylor
but nothing I must face her Mippins why didn't you tell me
- 00:59
Mippins
tell you what
- 01:00
Master Taylor
why didn't you tell me she's hot Do you reckon she's single, Mippins? Answer me, boy!
- 01:09
Mippins
She's been stalking these hallways for 130 years, sir.
- 01:13
Master Taylor ?
So?
- 01:15
Mippins
So she probably is single, yeah.
- 01:18
Master Taylor ?
Get in!
- 01:20
F***ing
- 01:26
Master Taylor
Would you stop cock blocking me, Mippins! Now stand back and allow me to go and ask that stunning apparition out for a drink.
- 01:33
Mippins
But sir, she'll suck your soul clean out!
- 01:36
Master Taylor
the risk I am willing to take how do I look how do I look boy
- 01:41
Mippins
you look good to be fair
- 01:45
and she's funny
- 01:50
Master Taylor ?
woman Woman of darkness the closer the better did it hurt when you fell from heaven
- 02:06
Woman of Darkness ?
fucked
- 02:14
Master Taylor
I fucked it Mippins
- 02:15
Mippins
sure I'm sure it was fine
- 02:20
Master Taylor
I was awful I should have just listened to you and left that fit ghost in peace I will to my bedchamber to see the night off with a lonely wank and I suggest you do the same
- 02:30
Mippins ?
if tie it up right. you should like to spend the night with a malevolent phantom from hell they do a minor stop game would you permit me to wingman you sir
- 02:41
Master Taylor
I would be very grateful Mippins
- 02:44
Mippins ?
hello I woman of darkness oh god there you are so what do you reckon of my mastery Because he thinks you are Leng.
- 03:03
Woman of Darkness
He thinks I'm Leng. Ooh, ooh. Can't believe it. Deliver him unto me.
- 03:10
Master Taylor
Oh, nice ones, Mippins. You're a good lad. You're a very good lad.
- 03:18
Woman of Darkness ?
Closer. Closer. Closer.
- 03:23
Mippins
Master Taylor, no! Master Taylor? Master Taylor? Oh no!
- 03:31
Master Taylor ?
She wants it! She wants kids! Please she wants them soon.
- 03:37
Mippins ?
I always do, do, sir!
- 03:40
How
- 03:41
Master Taylor ?
But you're getting in my way.
- 03:46
Master Taylor
But how? How is she with child? I never came!
- 03:53
Mippins ?
A ghost fanny is a little bit different.
- 03:57
Because she's a ghost doesn't mean it's safe. Wear a condom. Oh no!
