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Weekend Update: The Devil on the Catholic Church Scandal
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
With allegations of abuse and cover-ups mounting against the Catholic Church, Seth Meyers invites the Devil to the Weekend Update desk for comment. The cheerfully wicked guest explains that he adores evil but finds predatory priests sickening, and that the hypocrisy bothers him most, since at least he dresses the part. He bristles at a Vatican spokesman blaming the scandal on him, insists that covering for abusers is not part of his job, and describes the grim arrangements awaiting offending priests in Hell, from inconveniently remote quarters to a registry he championed so demons and gargoyles know who their neighbours are. He mocks the church for dismissing the accusations as gossip, urges it to protect children instead of priests, lets slip that the TMZ guy is his son, and signs off by plugging his upcoming projects, including hot sauce label modelling and the next season of Jersey Shore.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I rock the cape. I got the horns. I got the big salad fork, all right?
We literally have a special place in hell for them.
Much less holy water cooler talk, if you ask this guy.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Jason Sudeikis's first appearance as The Devil, according to SNL Archives. The segment aired on the April 10, 2010 episode hosted by Tina Fey.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Weekend Update anchor
It's been a tough few weeks for the Catholic Church as allegations of abuse and cover-ups continue to surface from around the world. Here now to comment, the devil.
- 00:09
The Devil ?
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo! All right.
- 00:14
The Devil
Alright, hey thanks for having me Seth.
- 00:16
Weekend Update anchor
Yeah it's good to have you.
- 00:17
The Devil
Did you uh, did you get that rash I sent you?
- 00:19
Weekend Update anchor ?
No.
- 00:19
The Devil
No? Oh, well you will.
- 00:21
Weekend Update anchor ?
Okay.
- 00:21
The Devil
Yeah, yeah, you will. But you're gonna have fun getting it so. Alright, okay. There you go. Alright, hey gang. So look everybody, I'm the devil. So you look, I love evil, alright? right? It's my thing. And when bad things happen, no one is happier than this guy, okay? But priests messing with kids? No. No, that crosses the line. That's just sick.
- 00:42
Weekend Update anchor
Oh, so you're actually offended by the scandal?
- 00:45
The Devil
Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What bothers me, Seth, is the hypocrisy of it all, okay? I'm the devil. What you see is what you get, okay? I rock the cape. I got the horns. I got the big salad fork, all right? You know me. You know me. You know the score, all right? But a priest, You're supposed to be able to trust a priest. The whole thing just bums me out.
- 01:04
Weekend Update anchor
Wow, you know, I gotta say, you seem upset.
- 01:07
The Devil
Yeah, yeah, I am.
- 01:07
Weekend Update anchor ?
And to make matters worse, a spokesman, a spokesman for the Vatican said that this was all the devil's work.
- 01:14
The Devil
No, no, no, no. Look, look, look. I do plagues. Okay? I do earthquakes. I do all the training for Walgreens cashiers. Alright? But I don't do no cover-up for child molesters, man. Okay? I can't wait for these priests to show up on my turf okay we literally have a special place in hell for them
- 01:35
Weekend Update anchor
oh yeah where's that
- 01:36
The Devil
oh it's awful it's awful it's a it's a little bit further away from the elevator you know so that's inconvenient as hell yeah all right and and they all have to share one bathroom yeah which is always out of paper towels I mean it's hell you know so it's all pretty bad
- 01:52
Weekend Update anchor ?
yeah so what happens when these priests get to hell
- 01:55
The Devil
good question they get registered first first thing. One of the things I'm proudest of in my time as devil, which is eternity, is the passing of Damien's law, which requires any sex offender priest to register when he comes to hell, because even demons and gargoyles have the right to know who they're living with.
- 02:15
Weekend Update anchor
It's very nice. It's a good rule.
- 02:17
The Devil
Yeah, thank you.
- 02:17
Weekend Update anchor
Now, Vatican spokespeople say these accusations about the pope's conduct are just petty gossip.
- 02:21
The Devil
Yeah, yeah. You know, how about that, huh? That's something, isn't it? You know, I always I always thought that gossip was supposed to be fun, you know? Gossip is normally stuff like, uh, hey, did you hear how drunk Tracy from reception got last night? It's not, you know, did you hear who was molested? Thousands of kids. It's It's not really water cooler talk, okay? Much less holy water cooler talk, if you ask this guy.
- 02:48
Weekend Update anchor
Yeah, no. So what do you think the church should do?
- 02:51
The Devil
All right, well, protect its childrens, not its priests. priests. Look, Seth, most priests in the church are upstanding, devout men. I won't argue that. But they need to do a better job stopping the creepy ones. I mean, if someone, anyone, ever touched a hair on my son's head, I would go crazy.
- 03:09
Weekend Update anchor
Oh, who's your son?
- 03:11
The Devil
The TMZ guy.
- 03:12
Weekend Update anchor ?
Oh.
- 03:14
The Devil
Yeah. Do people not know that?
- 03:16
Weekend Update anchor
No, I don't think officially, but now that you say it, it totally makes sense.
- 03:20
The Devil ?
Yeah, yeah.
- 03:20
Weekend Update anchor
Yeah. So what's next for you?
- 03:23
The Devil
Well, you know, I'm gonna do what I do, you know, just keep whispering in people's ears to promote the worldwide spread of evil. You know, I still got my modeling career posing for hot sauce bottle labels. Oh, oh, oh, and we're starting prep work for the second season of Jersey Shore, so look out for that.
- 03:41
Weekend Update anchor
Well, look, man, you know, thank you for being here.
- 03:43
The Devil
Oh, that's nice. You know, I don't get that very often.
- 03:46
Weekend Update anchor
All right, well, the devil, everybody.
- 03:48
The Devil ?
Thank you.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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