Penelope: Thanksgiving

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02
   

   Mary

   Hi, everyone. I'm Mary. I just want to thank you so much for volunteering at St. Angel's Thanksgiving Soup Kitchen. These dinners are so fun. Last year, we ate and laughed and partied, and it was so hard that we didn't get out of here until, like, 8.30. I'm talking p.m.

2. 00:21
   

   Lisa

   Well, I'm Lisa, and it's my first time doing this. I'm excited.

3. 00:24
   

   Lou

   And I'm Lou. And seeing all these wonderful faces here today, it really warms my heart.

4. 00:29
   

   Penelope

   It warms my heart, too. So, mine's burning a lot, though. It's like a little ball of fire under my bra. Can't say the Pledge of Allegiance or I'll burn my hands. I guess my heart's a little warmer than yours.

5. 00:40
   

   Mary

   Oh, well, thank you, Penelope, was it? Oh, good. Well, as I was saying, Thanksgiving is a special time for me. Interesting fact, thanks to Ancestry.com, I just found out that I had relatives come over on the Mayflower.

6. 00:54
   

   Penelope

   My relatives came over on the Aprilflower. So they got here one month before yours did.

7. 01:01
   

   Mary

   All right, good to know. Uh, oh, well, I can see that people are starting to arrive, so I'm gonna open the doors. And, uh, everybody, let's get our aprons on. Come on in. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

8. 01:22

   Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day. Happy Turkey Day. Happy Thanksgiving.

9. 01:25
   

   Penelope ?

   Happy Valentine's Day.

10. 01:26
    

    Guest ?

    Oh, thank you.

11. 01:26
    

    Penelope

    Just wanted to be the first to say it. Happy Fourth of July. Probably get to see a lot of fireworks, because you live outside.

12. 01:34
    

    Mary ?

    Penelope. Uh, no, I-I think I've got this covered, but, uh, why don't you go over there and help serve the corn?

13. 01:39
    

    Penelope ?

    Okay. Thank you.

14. 01:42
    

    Lisa ?

    Mashed potatoes?

15. 01:43
    

    Guest ?

    Yeah, please. They're my favorite.

16. 01:44
    

    Lisa ?

    Oh, well, then maybe I can sneak you a little extra.

17. 01:46
    

    Penelope

    I'll sneak you extra, too, some corn. I'm just gonna give you a little more than she did. Give you a little more. I'm gonna give you a little more than she did.

18. 01:52
    

    Guest ?

    Oh, wow, I am thankful for you, lady.

19. 01:55
    

    Mary

    Oh, oh, Penelope, what are you doing? You can't give that much corn to one person. Here.

20. 02:00
    

    Lou ?

    Well, don't be so hard on her. She means well.

21. 02:03
    

    Mary

    Well, oh, well, fine, but just don't bring out any more big silverware, okay?

22. 02:07
    

    Mary ?

    Oh, Master Mike, it's so good to see you.

23. 02:11
    

    Pastor Mike

    Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Wow, look at all these turkeys. And there's food here, too.

24. 02:14
    

    Mary ?

    Oh, Pastor Mike, you tell such good jokes.

25. 02:18
    

    Pastor Mike ?

    Oh, thank you very much.

26. 02:19
    

    Penelope

    Is this thing on? I tell good jokes, too. Did you guys hear the one about the peanut who went into Central Park? It was assaulted. That's my time, Vinaigrette Crowns.

27. 02:30
    

    Mary

    Well, thank you, Penelope. Anyway, Pastor Mike, I saved you a drumstick.

28. 02:35
    

    Pastor Mike ?

    Oh, don't mind if I do.

29. 02:36
    

    Mary ?

    And will you have a chance to come by my table and say hi? The whole family's here, all three of us.

30. 02:40
    

    Penelope

    My family's here, too. So, there's six of us, so, like, double bigger than yours. So, they're right over there, so...

31. 02:46

    Excuse me, uh, Mary, some of the people were wondering if we could turn up the volume on the football game.

32. 02:55
    

    Mary ?

    Oh, of course, no problem. I'd be happy to do that.

33. 02:57
    

    Penelope

    I'm already doing it, so it's gonna turn up a little louder than you would have.

34. 03:00

    What's going on?

35. 03:02
    

    Mary

    If Pastor Mike wasn't here, I'd kick that girl in the giblets.

36. 03:05
    

    Lou ?

    Oh, she's just being helpful.

37. 03:07

    Well... Oh!

38. 03:09
    

    Lou ?

    That's the longest pass I've ever seen. Yo, what's Sanchez doing? No one's in the end zone.

39. 03:15
    

    Mary ?

    Who is that?

40. 03:17
    

    Penelope

    It's me. I caught it. Touchdown. Thank you, Lord.

41. 03:21
    

    Mary ?

    What is happening?

42. 03:26
    

    Penelope

    Does anyone want this football? I can't play anymore. I just tested positive for steroids.

43. 03:31
    

    Mary

    She is ruining this entire day. She's acting like she's the queen of Thanksgiving.

44. 03:36
    

    Penelope

    I am the queen of Thanksgiving. I now dub thee Sir Waddle of Gobblelot, so congratulations.

45. 03:43
    

    Mary

    Really, Penelope? Really? Really? You are the queen of Thanksgiving? Well, I'm the president of Wednesdays. And you know what else? I drive a tanning bed to work. And if I clap three times, a wiener dog appears and oh, my dad's a chocolate chip. And you know what else? If I want to relax, I just turn myself into a pot of soup. So, what do you think of my lemon, Ellie?

46. 04:04
    

    Penelope

    I guess all I can say is that my tanning bed drives me to work so I can read the paper and have my coffee. And if I clap twice, all the dogs in the world get an extra wiener. My dad's a chocolate chip cookie, so your dad is baked inside him. And when I want to relax, I shrink into a pot of soup and float around and use a celery stick as a wrap, so.

47. 04:25
    

    Mary

    I don't even know why I'm wasting my time with you. This is a day of thanks, and you made it all about you.

48. 04:31
    

    Lou ?

    Oh, Mary, calm down. Okay, just try to have some food and relax.

49. 04:35
    

    Mary ?

    You're right. I'm sorry.

50. 04:38
    

    Lisa ?

    Uh, Mary, I think we have a situation over here.

51. 04:44

    Happy Thanksgiving.

52. 04:48
    

    Penelope

    I'm not thankful for anything, I'm thankful for high, which is just a little bit more than you. I'm more thankful than everyone else. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Happy Turkey Day.