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Sarah Michelle Gellar Monologue: Vampires
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Sarah Michelle Gellar opens her monologue with news from her summer: she married Freddie Prinze Jr. but is keeping her own already lengthy name, made a movie with her husband and recorded an album of songs she wrote herself, an experience she ranks just below driving a stake through a vampire's heart. That remark offends a caped vampire father named Vlad, who is sitting in the audience with his wife Carol and their fanged daughter, and he gathers the family to walk out, explaining that they only ducked in to escape the rain and are tired of how the media portrays vampires. The daughter is crushed to miss her chance to bite Jimmy Fallon, Vlad protests that they are honest people who came to the country to make a living and turn people into vampires, and the parents grumble that they should have gone to a talk show that tapes in the daytime. As Gellar apologizes, a man in the audience stands up to hand Vlad his card as an attorney who handles slander and defamation cases for vampires. When Gellar asks how she can make it up to them, Vlad's only request is that she not sing, so she leaves the singing to musical guest Faith Hill.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I'm just getting a little sick of the way vampires are portrayed in the media, okay? It's a little insulting.
I came to this country because I wanted to make an honest living. That, and turn people into vampires.
I'm an attorney specializing in slander and defamation. I represent a lot of vampires.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Sarah Michelle Gellar was starring as the title vampire slayer in Buffy the Vampire Slayer when she hosted, and her monologue jokes about staking vampires play on that role.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Speaker 1
Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Michelle. Gellar!
- 00:23
Herself
Thank you, thank you, thank you guys very, very much. Thank you. It is so great To be back in New York hosting Saturday Night Live. I had a great summer. I got married to Freddie Prinze Jr. I didn't I, uh, I take his last name professionally. I have three names already, and I didn't need a fourth and a junior piled on. But I had a great summer. Not only did I get to star in a movie with my husband, but I also took some time off to do something I've always wanted to do. as you probably know I recorded my own album I wrote I wrote all the songs myself and I gotta say that recording this album and it was almost as rewarding as ramming a stake through the heart of a vampire but not quite as much fun as chopping their heads off
- 01:15
Vlad
all right let's go
- 01:19
Herself
oh oh my god I had no idea there were vampires in the audience
- 01:24
Vlad
yeah that's right
- 01:26
Herself
oh goodness look I'm sorry I didn't I I didn't realize.
- 01:30
Vlad
Yeah, well, we only got in because of the rain, so we didn't know you were hosting. Come on, Carol, get your sweater.
- 01:36
Herself
Well, I didn't mean to offend anybody.
- 01:39
Vlad
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm just getting a little sick of the way vampires are portrayed in the media, okay? It's a little insulting. Come on, Grimm Roods, get your bag. Let's go.
- 01:47
Vampire Daughter
But Daddy, I'm wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon.
- 01:52
Vlad
- I know, baby, okay? We all wanted a bite of Jimmy Fallon, okay? But this nice lady over here, she wants to take this wooden stake and drive it through your heart, so I guess bedtime comes a little early tonight. night let's go
- 02:02
Herself
wait
- 02:03
Vlad
it's just we're good people you know okay we're honest people I came to this country because I wanted to make an honest living that and turn people into vampires but I guess we still got a long way to go
- 02:16
Carol
I told you we should have gone to the caroline ray show
- 02:20
Vlad
it takes in the daytime
- 02:21
Vlad
sorry I'm baby okay it's just this world
- 02:31
Herself
but listen I regret you know what I said I wish I wish you'd stay.
- 02:35
Vlad
Yeah, well, forget it. Thank you.
- 02:37
Lawyer in Audience
Excuse me, Jimmy. I'm an attorney specializing in slander and defamation. I represent a lot of vampires, and I think you have an excellent case.
- 02:45
Vlad
Really?
- 02:45
Lawyer in Audience
Would you give me a call Monday?
- 02:46
Vlad
I will call you. I will call you Monday. Thank you.
- 02:48
Herself
Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry. Look, you guys, is there anything I can do to make this up to you?
- 02:52
Vlad
Yeah, you can. Don't sing.
- 02:56
Herself
Okay. OK, I guess I won't then. But Faith Hill is here, and she can sing. so stick around, we will be right back.
- 03:33
Speaker 1
We'll see you next time.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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