The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors.

1. 00:01

   The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC.

2. 00:15

   Captain Kirk to the bridge. Captain Kirk to the bridge.

3. 00:19

   Captain Kirk.

4. 00:22

   Yes, Mrs. Block.

5. 00:27

   Thank you.

6. 00:28

   Captain, sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel headed straight toward us.

7. 00:32

   Range, Mr. Sulu?

8. 00:34

   .04 light years, sir, and closing fast.

9. 00:36

   Lieutenant O'Hara, open a hailing frequency.

10. 00:38

    I've been trying to raise them, but there's no response, sir.

11. 00:41

    This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.

12. 00:45

    Identify yourself.

13. 00:46

    Put them on the view screen.

14. 00:48

    Full magnification.

15. 00:49

    Aye, aye, sir.

16. 00:50

    I repeat, identify yourself.

17. 00:55

    What kind of ship is that, Spock?

18. 00:58

    Fascinating, Captain.

19. 00:59

    It would appear to be an early gas combustion vehicle

20. 01:01

    at least 200 or 300 years old.

21. 01:04

    Run it through the computer.

22. 01:05

    Find out what those little numbers mean.

23. 01:08

    I want answers.

24. 01:11

    Process visual feed, analyze, and reply.

25. 01:15

    I have a hunch, Mr. Spock,

26. 01:17

    that we are about to face a menace more terrifying

27. 01:21

    than the flying parasites of Ingraham B.

28. 01:24

    More insidious,

29. 01:26

    more insidious than the sandbaths of Manarch IV.

30. 01:30

    More bloodthirsty than the vampire clouds of Argus X.

31. 01:34

    I have a hunch, Mr. Spock,

32. 01:38

    that we are about to face something deadlier

33. 01:41

    than the Romulans, the Klingons, and the Gorns

34. 01:44

    all rolled into one.

35. 01:46

    Here's the readout, Captain.

36. 01:48

    The computer has identified the alien vessel

37. 01:51

    as a 1968 Chrysler Imperial

38. 01:53

    with a tinted windshield and retractable headlights.

39. 01:56

    And the little blue and orange numbers?

40. 01:59

    That's called a California license plate,

41. 02:02

    and it's registered or was in 1968

42. 02:04

    to a corporation known as NBC.

43. 02:07

    Wait a minute. There's something more.

44. 02:10

    The computer isn't sure, but it thinks this NBC

45. 02:12

    used to manufacture cookies.

46. 02:15

    Could that be some sort of illusion, Mr. Spock?

47. 02:19

    It's no illusion, Captain.

48. 02:20

    Scanner readings indicate two life forms inside this craft.

49. 02:24

    Mr. Sulu, increase speed to warp factor 8.

50. 02:26

    But, sir, that's only for most extreme emergencies. The ship can't take it.

51. 02:30

    You heard my order, Mr. Sulu. Aye, aye, sir.

52. 02:45

    Captain's log.

53. 02:58

    Captain's log, Stardate 3615.6.

54. 03:02

    On a routine delivery of medical supplies

55. 03:04

    to Earth Colony 9.

56. 03:06

    We're being chased through space

57. 03:07

    by an automobile three centuries old.

58. 03:10

    Owned by a company that manufactured cookies.

59. 03:14

    Though it all seems silly.

60. 03:16

    If it weren't for this feeling of dread that haunts me.

61. 03:19

    This sense of impending doom.

62. 03:23

    They're right behind us, Captain.

63. 03:24

    Let's lose them, Mr. Sulu.

64. 03:26

    Prepare for evasive action.

65. 03:28

    Helm hard to port.

66. 03:32

    Hard to starboard.

67. 03:34

    Hard to port.

68. 03:36

    Frankly, Captain, I'm exhausted.

69. 03:38

    Me too.

70. 03:40

    Stabilize, Mr. Sulu.

71. 03:42

    Look, Captain, it's no use. We can't shake them.

72. 03:44

    Then we'll give them a fight they won't forget.

73. 03:47

    All hands, man your battle stations.

74. 03:49

    This is not a drill. Red alert.

75. 03:51

    Man your battle stations. Red alert.

76. 03:54

    The phasers locked on target, sir.

77. 03:56

    Captain, you can't.

78. 03:57

    Stand by to fire.

79. 03:58

    Phasers standing by, sir.

80. 03:59

    Captain, we don't know who the aliens are or what they want.

81. 04:01

    To kill them without anything would be illogical.

82. 04:04

    Fact, Mr. Stockton.

83. 04:05

    We do not know their intentions.

84. 04:07

    Fact.

85. 04:08

    I am responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen.

86. 04:11

    And fact.

87. 04:12

    I can't take any chances.

88. 04:14

    Fire main phasers.

89. 04:18

    I said fire main phasers.

90. 04:20

    I'm trying, sir.

91. 04:21

    Nothing is happening.

92. 04:22

    Lock and arm photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu.

93. 04:25

    They're not working either, Captain

94. 04:26

    Deflector's up

95. 04:27

    Captain, the helm does not respond

96. 04:30

    The controls are dead

97. 04:32

    We're slowing down, Captain

98. 04:34

    We're stopping

99. 04:37

    Bridge to engine room, acknowledge

100. 04:39

     Scotty here, Captain

101. 04:42

     What in blazes is going on, Scotty?

102. 04:45

     I don't know, Captain

103. 04:46

     We're losing power and I don't know why

104. 04:49

     Well, do something, man

105. 04:51

     Go to manual overdrive

106. 04:52

     Cut to auxiliary systems

107. 04:54

     Saints preserve us, Captain

108. 04:55

     but even the emergency systems are out.

109. 04:58

     Well, fix it, Scotty.

110. 04:59

     I don't care, huh, but fix it.

111. 05:01

     The lives of 430 crewmen stand in the balance.

112. 05:04

     Kirk out.

113. 05:05

     Life support systems are still operative, Captain.

114. 05:08

     But for how long, Mr. Spock?

115. 05:10

     For how long?

116. 05:13

     Lieutenant O'Hara, inform Starfleet of our situation.

117. 05:16

     All communications are dead, Captain.

118. 05:18

     Well, keep trying.

119. 05:20

     Jim, I...

120. 05:22

     Jim, I...

121. 05:23

     Spit it out, man.

122. 05:25

     Come on, Bones.

123. 05:27

     Jim, the aliens, Jim, they've boarded the ship, but they're coming this way.

124. 05:32

     But how, Burns? How? Do they beam on board? Do they suddenly materialize?

125. 05:38

     What do they, how do they get here?

126. 05:40

     They just stepped out from behind the curtains.

127. 05:42

     Describe them, Doctor.

128. 05:43

     Well, there are two of them, humanoid in occurrence.

129. 05:46

     They're bipeds, and they have sort of drab clothing,

130. 05:48

     except that around the neck of the leader is a brightly colored piece of cloth.

131. 05:52

     Is there anything else odd about their clothing?

132. 05:54

     I'm a doctor, not a tailor, dammit.

133. 05:57

     I don't know.

134. 05:59

     But, yes, there was something strange.

135. 06:01

     They spoke English.

136. 06:02

     They spoke English, Jim.

137. 06:04

     They'll be here in seconds.

138. 06:05

     I can hear them coming off the turbolift.

139. 06:06

     We've got to do something.

140. 06:07

     All right.

141. 06:08

     Then we'll be ready for them.

142. 06:15

     I'm Captain James C. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise,

143. 06:17

     representing the United Federation of Planets.

144. 06:19

     Hi, I'm Herb Goodman,

145. 06:20

     head of programming for the network.

146. 06:23

     Stand back.

147. 06:24

     I will not hesitate to shoot.

148. 06:26

     Can I have your attention, please?

149. 06:27

     Please, I need some attention.

150. 06:29

     Curtis, will you turn the sound effects down?

151. 06:32

     I'd like everybody's attention, please.

152. 06:34

     I have an announcement to make.

153. 06:38

     Thank you very much.

154. 06:42

     Ladies and gentlemen, due to the low Nielsen ratings,

155. 06:45

     we at NBC have decided to unfortunately cancel Star Trek.

156. 06:51

     Fire at my command.

157. 06:53

     On your way out, you can pass the cashier's desk

158. 06:56

     and pick up your check.

159. 06:58

     Set phasers to stun.

160. 06:59

     Fire.

161. 07:00

     Nothing's happening, Jim, I can't understand it.

162. 07:03

     Oh, and look, boys, you do me a favor

163. 07:04

     and return these things to the property department, okay?

164. 07:07

     Try kill.

165. 07:08

     They're still not working, Jim.

166. 07:09

     They're still not working.

167. 07:11

     Most peculiar, Captain.

168. 07:12

     I can only assume that they possess

169. 07:14

     some sort of weapons deactivator,

170. 07:16

     in which case I shall merely render him unconscious

171. 07:19

     with my famous Vulcan nerve pinch.

172. 07:21

     Of course, if it was up to me, you could keep them,

173. 07:23

     give them away as souvenirs to the kids, whatever,

174. 07:26

     but we're planning to market a complete line

175. 07:28

     for merchandising, and, uh, we, uh,

176. 07:30

     Oh, that's, uh, we need to send them to Taiwan to be copied.

177. 07:34

     It's nice material, isn't it, you can't buy it?

178. 07:36

     And also, yes, Nimoy, I'm sorry, we'll have to take your ears back, too.

179. 07:43

     For God's sake, man.

180. 07:46

     We're on a five-year mission to explore space.

181. 07:48

     We've only been out here for three years.

182. 07:50

     I'm sorry, it's the Nielsen's. If it was up to me, my kids like it.

183. 07:53

     Wait, what, what are those Nielsen's the alien keeps talking about, Mr. Spock?

184. 07:58

     If I remember my history correctly, Captain, Nielsen's were a primitive system of estimating

185. 08:02

     television viewers once used in the mid-20th century.

186. 08:06

     Man, we're meant to fly.

187. 08:07

     You'd have better ratings.

188. 08:08

     Is that what you're saying, Mr. Goodbody?

189. 08:11

     I've had enough of this.

190. 08:12

     George and Michelle, let's go.

191. 08:13

     I'm going to tie one on.

192. 08:14

     I'm with you, Kelly.

193. 08:15

     I think I'll just go home.

194. 08:17

     Believe that kind of talk, Dr. McCoy?

195. 08:19

     Bill, forget it.

196. 08:20

     It's lost.

197. 08:20

     It's all over.

198. 08:21

     Leonard, you coming?

199. 08:23

     Lay off, Joker.

200. 08:24

     her. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Mr. Spock, we have yet to try the Vulcan mine meld, where you

201. 08:32

     actually enter the alien's mind, meld with his intelligence, and read his thoughts. I entered

202. 08:37

     Mr. Goodman's mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain, and it was all, all dark and empty

203. 08:43

     in there, and there were little mice in the corners. I kept bumping my head on the ceiling.

204. 08:48

     I don't know. I'm all right, Captain. All right. What do you think, Curtis? You think we can sell

205. 08:53

     any of this junk to lost in space well man it all comes apart hey get away from there hey right on

206. 08:59

     buck rogers is that an auto baby look no okay i

207. 09:05

     let's go, then. Let's break it on up.

208. 09:07

     No!

209. 09:08

     can't let it end like this no i am the commander

210. 09:11

     of the ship i give the orders around here it is my ship i get the commands i am responsible for

211. 09:17

     the lives of 430 crewmen and i will not let them down there must be some way out you're becoming

212. 09:23

     You're being quite emotional, Captain.

213. 09:25

     Needless to say, my trained Vulcan mind

214. 09:26

     finds such open displays of emotion distasteful.

215. 09:29

     Emotion, you see, interferes with logic

216. 09:30

     and is only by dealing with the problems

217. 09:31

     in a logical, scientific fashion

218. 09:33

     that we can arrive at valid solutions.

219. 09:34

     Now, with regard to the alien takeover of the Enterprise,

220. 09:37

     I would suggest that we seek some new alternative

221. 09:39

     based on some exact computer analysis, of course,

222. 09:41

     and taking into consideration elements of...

223. 09:43

     I don't believe this!

224. 09:46

     Everybody in the room wants the show!

225. 09:48

     They want to see the show!

226. 09:49

     I have a contract! I have a contract!

227. 09:54

     Where's my ears? I want my ears!

228. 09:55

     I want my ears!

229. 10:00

     Leave it alone!

230. 10:02

     Leave it alone!

231. 10:03

     Leave it where it is!

232. 10:05

     So that's what it is.

233. 10:08

     Spock! You're half-human, remember?

234. 10:10

     So that's how it is, huh?

235. 10:12

     Just me, huh?

236. 10:13

     Well, I've been in tougher spots before.

237. 10:16

     No way, no way am I gonna give up.

238. 10:19

     I'd rather go down with the ship.

239. 10:20

     Oh, Shatner, look, you had a call from a margarine company.

240. 10:23

     They said they'd call you back.

241. 10:43

     Captain's log. Final entry.

242. 10:46

     We have tried to explore strange places.

243. 10:48

     to change new worlds, to seek out new civilizations,

244. 10:51

     to boldly go where no man has gone before.

245. 10:55

     And except for one television network,

246. 10:58

     we have found intelligence everywhere in the galaxy.

247. 11:04

     Live long and prosper.

248. 11:06

     Promise.

249. 11:08

     Captain James T. Kirk, SC-937-0176, CEC.