Twentieth-Century Vole

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:28
   

   Larry Saltzberg ?

   All right, boys.

2. 00:29

   Speaker 1 ?

   What is it, Salisbury?

3. 00:30
   

   Larry Saltzberg ?

   Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. Oh, Boys, I want you to know that I think you're the best six writers in movies today. And I want you to know that I've had an idea for the next movie I'm going to produce. And I want you boys to write it.

4. 00:45

   Speaker 2 ?

   Oh, shut up!

5. 00:47
   

   Larry Saltzberg ?

   Oh, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. There'll be plenty of time for that later on. Now, here's my idea.

6. 00:58
   

   Third Writer ?

   It's great.

7. 00:58
   

   Larry Saltzberg ?

   You like it, huh?

8. 00:59

   Speaker 1 ?

   Yeah, yeah. It's really terrific.

9. 01:03
   

   Larry Saltzberg ?

   Do you like it?

10. 01:04
    

    First Writer ?

    Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

11. 01:06
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    What do you like best about it?

12. 01:09
    

    First Writer ?

    Oh, well, you haven't told us what it is yet.

13. 01:12
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    What?

14. 01:13
    

    First Writer ?

    Um, I like what he likes.

15. 01:15
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    What do you like?

16. 01:15
    

    Second Writer ?

    Oh, I like what he likes.

17. 01:16
    

    Third Writer ?

    I like what he likes.

18. 01:17
    

    Fourth Writer ?

    I like what he likes.

19. 01:18
    

    Fifth Writer ?

    I'm just crazy about what he likes.

20. 01:19
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    What do you like about it?

21. 01:21

    Sixth Writer ?

    I agree with them.

22. 01:22
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Good. Now we're getting somewhere. Now, here's the start of the movie. I see snow. white snow

23. 01:31
    

    Fourth Writer ?

    think of the colors

24. 01:32
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    and in the snow i see a tree wait wait i haven't finished yet

25. 01:39
    

    Third Writer ?

    there are more

26. 01:39
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    and by this tree gentlemen i see a dog and gentlemen this dog goes up to the tree and he piddles on it

27. 01:51

    Speaker 1 ?

    Hallelujah!

28. 01:52

    Sixth Writer ?

    Have we got a movie!

29. 01:54
    

    Fifth Writer ?

    He tells it for why it is!

30. 01:56
    

    Fourth Writer ?

    It's where it's at!

31. 01:57
    

    Third Writer ?

    This is something else!

32. 01:58
    

    Second Writer ?

    It's out of sight!

33. 02:00
    

    First Writer ?

    I like it, I like it!

34. 02:02
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Oh yeah?

35. 02:03
    

    First Writer ?

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, I promise I like it!

36. 02:05
    

    Fifth Writer ?

    Sir, I don't know how to say this, but I've got to be perfectly frank. I really and truly believe this story of yours is the greatest story in motion picture history.

37. 02:17
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Get out! If there's one thing I can't stand is a yes man, get out! I'll see you never work again! What do you think?

38. 02:25

    Sixth Writer ?

    Well, I, uh...

39. 02:26
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Just because I have an idea, it doesn't mean it's great. It could be lousy.

40. 02:30

    Sixth Writer ?

    It could?

41. 02:31
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Yeah. What do you think?

42. 02:34

    Sixth Writer ?

    It's lousy.

43. 02:35
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Well, you see, he spoke his mind. He said my idea was lousy. Just so happens my idea isn't lousy. So get out, you goddamn tinko subversive! Get out! You!

44. 02:45
    

    Fourth Writer ?

    I Well, I think it's an excellent idea.

45. 02:50
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Are you a yes man?

46. 02:51
    

    Fourth Writer ?

    No, no, no. I mean, there may be things against it.

47. 02:54
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    You think it's lousy, huh?

48. 02:55
    

    Fourth Writer ?

    No, no. I mean, it takes time.

49. 02:57
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Are you being indecisive?

50. 02:59
    

    Fourth Writer ?

    Yo. Ness. Perhaps. Two,

51. 03:03
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Now I hope you three gentlemen aren't going to be indecisive. What the hell are you doing under that table?

52. 03:09
    

    First Writer ?

    We dropped our pencils.

53. 03:10

    Speaker 1 ?

    Yeah.

54. 03:11
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Pencil droppers, eh?

55. 03:12

    Speaker 1 ?

    No, no, no.

56. 03:13
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Right. Now, I want your opinion of my idea. You. Has he had a heart attack? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who have heart attacks!

57. 03:28
    

    First Writer ?

    I feel fine now.

58. 03:29
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Well, what do you think?

59. 03:31

    Speaker 1 ?

    What? You didn't ask me, you asked him. Oh, you didn't ask me. You asked him. Uh, him. No, him.

60. 03:36
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    I've changed my mind. I'm asking you. The one in the middle.

61. 03:40
    

    Second Writer ?

    The one in the middle?

62. 03:41
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Yes, the one in the middle. Hello? Yes, Demetrius. No, no, sure. Take in What the hell are you doing?

63. 03:50
    

    Second Writer ?

    I'm fainting.

64. 03:51
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Get back those seats immediately. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. All Right! You, the one in the middle, what do you think? come on Come on!

65. 04:02
    

    Second Writer ?

    Spongebob!

66. 04:05
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Did he say splunge?

67. 04:06

    Speaker 1 ?

    Yeah.

68. 04:07
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    What does splunge mean?

69. 04:09
    

    Second Writer ?

    It means it's a great idea, but possibly not. I'm not being indecisive.

70. 04:14
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Good! Right. What do you think?

71. 04:17
    

    Third Writer ?

    Uh, splunge?

72. 04:18
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Okay.

73. 04:20
    

    First Writer ?

    Yeah, yeah, splunge for me too.

74. 04:22
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    So all three of you think splunge.

75. 04:25

    Speaker 1 ?

    Yeah.

76. 04:25
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Well, now we're getting somewhere. No, wait. A new angle. In the snow, instead of the tree, I see Ruck Hudson.

77. 04:34

    Speaker 1 ?

    Oh, yeah.

78. 04:34
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    And instead of the dog, I see Doris Day.

79. 04:38

    Speaker 1 ?

    Oh, yes.

80. 04:39
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    And, gentlemen, Doris Day goes up to Ruck Hudson, and she kisses on him. It's a love story. Intercourse Italian style. David Hemmings is a hippie Gestapo officer. Frontal nudity, a family picture, a comedy. And then, when Doris Day's kissed Rock Hudson, she says something funny. Like...

81. 05:01
    

    Third Writer ?

    Uh...

82. 05:01
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    Doris Day's a comedian, not a newsreader! Get out! She says something funny like...

83. 05:10
    

    Second Writer ?

    Uh... Splunge!

84. 05:13
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! Get out! Doris Dog kisses Rock Tree and she says...

85. 05:21
    

    First Writer ?

    Can't take it anymore!

86. 05:22
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    I like that! I like that!

87. 05:24

    Speaker 2 ?

    I can't...

88. 05:26
    

    Larry Saltzberg ?

    And then Rock Hudson says, I'm a very rich film producer, and I need a lobotomy. And then Doris Dogg says, I think you're very handsome, and I'm going to take all my clothes off. And then Doris Dogg turns into a yak and goes to the bathroom on David Lemming. No, wait, wait. Hello? Hello? Hello, who are you? You're not a wet rider? Well, you're fired!