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The Count Visits the Doctor

Bizarre1980Season 1Episode 2
Bizarre
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A vampire's daytime checkup turns into an impressions showcase, until his doctor steps out of the sketch to complain.

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Watch onYouTube

Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

A caped, top-hatted Count turns up at his doctor's office in broad daylight, shaken by a Hollywood party the week before. His account of the evening becomes a tour of famous guests, from Ted Kennedy and Frank Sinatra to Don Rickles and Paul Lynde, each encounter ending with a bite on the neck and an excuse for another celebrity impersonation. When the Count finally asks for a diagnosis, the doctor drops the scene, turns to the studio audience and scolds John for using a Dracula gimmick as cover for cheap impressions, only to talk himself into a song-and-dance run of impressions of his own. Asked what he thinks of that, the Count replies with a borrowed stand-up complaint about never getting any respect.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 2

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

I know, Doctor, it's unusual for me to be here in the daytime.

It's below you. We don't need it.

ScriptEnglish · 14 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:03

    Speaker 1 ?

    Doctor, your next patient is here to see you.

  2. 00:20

    Doctor

    Well, Count, What brings you here in the daytime?

  3. 00:22

    Count

    I know, Doctor, it's unusual for me to be here in the daytime. But I have some terrible thing has happened to me. Last week I went to a Hollywood party.

  4. 00:29

    Doctor

    What happened?

  5. 00:30

    Count

    You want to know what happened at the Hollywood party?

  6. 00:33

    Doctor ?

    Yes.

  7. 00:33

    Count

    Well, I'll tell you what happened at the Hollywood party. I went to a Hollywood party the other day, and I walked in and there were lots of guests there, lots of very famous people. And there was Ted Kennedy sitting there who said, after I bit him on the neck, You know, the reason I'm out is because my mother said it was okay. And I have stopped. I thought I'd continue after I was not nominated because I had nothing to do with my allowance. And then he offered to take me home in his car, and I ran into the other room. I ran into the other room where Frank Zanatta was sitting. Frank Zanatta was there, all his henchmen around him. I didn't stop, though. I went right up to Frank Zanatta and bit him on the neck. And the gangster sitting next to him pulled my teeth out. so so i crawled into another room and i told johnny mattis i could not stand to not bite him on the neck and i did and i went chances are when i hear the city well chances are george and et cetera et cetera tired of listening to him tell me how many albums he had sold so i'm in there another room still another room lots of rooms in hollywood and there was darn records who said to me ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I can't believe it. Hockey puck, he looked like Phyllis Dillard. But seriously. And then he started talking about his mother in Florida, and I got bored. And I left. And I walked out to Cross de Lone, and there was Paul Lind, who bit me on the neck. And I said, Paul, that was great. You want to go someplace for a chase, sir?

  8. 02:25

    Count ?

    Hello!

  9. 02:31

    Count

    So, what do you think, doctor?

  10. 02:33

    Doctor

    What's that, John? What is that? excuse me ladies and gentlemen John the bizarre show is a certain degree of integrity the acting professionally professional has a certain degree of integrity why would you come on and use a account Dracula stick as a premise of doing cheap impersonations it's below you I'm sorry I know it's your show when I have to say it it's all right it's below you we don't need it sorry it's

  11. 03:02

    Doctor ?

    You've gone too far. You've gone too far.

  12. 03:06

    Doctor

    I'm sorry. It's, it's... I don't know. It's... It is... It's a far, far better thing. You're a king. Tootie, tootie, tootie. I bought you. I bought you. Yes, I did. I bought you a watch for Christmas, and now I'm going to give you the works. Play it again, Sam. Play it again. This time, Sam. take off your boxing gloves. I'm a little chickadee, yes, sir. I'm a little chickadee. The boys are on the burning deck eating peanuts by the pack. How's that? What do you think?

  13. 03:51

    Doctor ?

    What do you think?

  14. 04:06

    Count

    What do I think? I'll tell you what I think. I was looking out the window the other day. I got arrested for mooning. I don't get any respect around here. No respect at all.