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I Don't Drink
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Three coworkers take Amy, their newest colleague, out for Friday drinks and order their usual round of margaritas from their waiter, Marcus. When Amy asks for a cranberry and soda instead, the group pressures her to join in and then races through ever more intrusive explanations - an infection, a pregnancy, a stint in rehab, a father with a drinking problem - until they have built a tragic backstory she never told them. Amy's calm explanation that she just isn't fond of alcohol lands as an accusation: the women cancel the round, take offence, insist they don't have a problem and send her away, then toast their own self-control by ordering a triple and another round.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
You were in rehab. You should write a book.
We are grown women and we know how to drink responsibly.
Okay, I'm having a triple.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This sketch aired in season 5's "Don't Call Me Lady" on December 1, 2020; CBC Comedy posted it online the day before the broadcast.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Coworker ?
I It's Friday! It's Friday! Oh my
- 00:03
Amy ?
got I gotta be honest with you though this week it just seemed endless yeah I gotta say thank you so much for inviting me along with you you guys have made me feel so welcome thank you
- 00:12
Coworker
we love you we love you we have all been the new girl so we know what it's like to be new at work and we think you are just great you're good yeah photocopier and that count and you're pretty and that means a lot it really does around here oh
- 00:26
Marcus ?
good evening ladies the usual around a And a margarita?
- 00:32
Coworker
Mark's around the table. Yes, you do. And team Mark for everyone.
- 00:34
Amy
I'll just have a cran and soda, please.
- 00:36
Coworker
Oh. Just so you know, the margaritas here are the best in the city. They're really, really good.
- 00:39
Amy
I don't drink.
- 00:41
Coworker
Let's have one because it's for a celebration. She's having one because we're celebrating. She's going to have one. I'm going to celebrate. Just have one. Just have one. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
- 00:50
Amy
I'm just gonna stick to the cranberry and soda. Just a good old cranberry and soda, thank you.
- 00:54
Coworker
Oh no, do you have a UTI? I do, oh my God, that could burn. Because when you're on antibiotics, it's hard to drink. That's why you went to the toilet for so long the other day. No, I understand, I understand. You weren't the fucking puppy you were burning with the pee and you noticed that? You were saying a long time in the stall.
- 01:04
Amy
Yeah, yeah, no, no, that's not it. I just, I don't drink alcohol, so.
- 01:07
Coworker
Yeah. You know what, you're pregnant. She's pregnant! You're pregnant! Oh my God, that's so great.
- 01:11
Amy ?
No, it's just I don't drink anymore.
- 01:13
Coworker
You just don't drink anymore, but you used to a lot. yeah she did a lot probably did something happen you were in rehab you should write a book
- 01:20
Amy
No, I didn't go to rehab.
- 01:21
Coworker
Did someone in your family drink? Your father was a drinker. Oh, my God, I knew it! Your father was a drinker. That's what was going on. Oh, my God. It's so insensitive of us.
- 01:29
Amy
No, actually, the truth of it is, I just don't like it that much, and I never really have, you know, but it's no big deal. It's Friday night, right? Whoo! Friday night. What's that dance? I don't know that instrument.
- 01:39
We were just doing that.
- 01:40
Coworker ?
No, never seen it before. Okay.
- 01:47
Coworker
Marcus, we're canceling the marks. Yeah, let's cancel the marks. Oh. Oh, no, no, no. Marcus, no fun tonight. We're canceling the fun.
- 01:53
Amy
It's no big deal. I'm fine. It doesn't bother me. Just do you and I'll do me.
- 01:56
Coworker
If you don't like to have fun, we don't like to have fun. That's not who I am. I'm sorry. I'm feeling kind of personally attacked. We don't drink that much. Yeah, like we just have a drink on Fridays. We don't have a problem. For you to insinuate that we do is really rude.
- 02:07
Amy
But I didn't though. I really,
- 02:08
Coworker ?
it kind of did. We were so kind to you, especially after what you went through with your father.
- 02:12
Amy
I don't, well actually there was no, because you made that up.
- 02:14
Coworker ?
Amy, if you want it, I'll fucking have you. I got no fucking problem. Do you understand me, what I'm saying? You should just take a long rest and you should just walk out of here because we don't need your judgment. Take a hike, Temperance McNo-Fon. Oh, my Oh! She's the funny one! I'm the model!
- 02:26
Amy
Okay, okay, I'm really sorry that you feel that way. Okay. We'll see what we do. Enjoy your, your margs.
- 02:33
Coworker
We will. We will, we sure will. We are grown women, and we know how to drink responsibly. Thank you, Marcus. Oh, Marcus. Okay, I'm having a triple. Thank you, Marcus. Can we have three more? Yeah. Please, thank you, because this is going down smooth. This is just a six-ouncer, right?
- 02:50
Marcus ?
Mm-hmm. Okay.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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