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Bill and Tom's Embalming Palace and Cremation Hut

Almost Live!1995Season 12Episode 5
Almost Live!
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Two plaid-jacketed funeral entrepreneurs swear they can grant any send-off, until one customer tests just how far that promise goes.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

In a mock local television commercial, an announcer laments how gloomy death is before introducing Bill and Tom, the grinning owners of an embalming and cremation business who promise to arrange a funeral exactly the way the customer wants. A string of testimonials follows, each asking for a stranger farewell, from having ashes scattered over an ex-spouse's house to being fired from a cannon during Seattle's Seafair festival, and the partners cheerfully sign off on every one. The last customer reels off an absurdly elaborate plan that ends with her remains seasoned and fed to her dog, leaving the two men frozen in silence until they quietly confer and brightly agree before the ad closes on its slogan.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 1

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Death. It's sad. It's scary. But most of all, it's just no fun.

I want to be embalmed with orange Kool-Aid.

We put the fun back in funeral.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

Aired in Almost Live!'s Halloween-week episode on October 28, 1995.

ScriptEnglish · 16 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:01

    Death Death. It's sad. It's scary. But most of all, it's just no fun. Until now, at Bill and Tom's Embalming Palace and Cremation Hut.

  2. 00:17

    Bill

    Hi, I'm Bill.

  3. 00:18

    And I'm Tom.

  4. 00:19

    Bill ?

    And we will turn ourselves upside down to do you your way.

  5. 00:24

    You want to be burned? No problem. Buried? Okay. Burned and buried? You got it.

  6. 00:30

    And there's even more.

  7. 00:32

    Well, I want to be cremated and scattered over my ex-wife's house.

  8. 00:36

    We can do that!

  9. 00:37

    I want to be shot out of a cannon during Seafair.

  10. 00:41

    We can do that!

  11. 00:43

    I want to be embalmed with orange Kool-Aid.

  12. 00:46

    We can do that!

  13. 00:48

    I want to lie in state at Stonehenge for two weeks wearing creamy maroon Army fatigues and a Miss America banner while a nude clarinet orchestra plays Do the Locomotion. Okay, then I want to be flown back to Seattle, ground up, spiced with fennel, and fed to my dog.

  14. 01:10

    We can do that.

  15. 01:13

    So come on down to Bill and Tom's Embalming Palace and Cremation Hut. We put the fun back in funeral.

  16. 01:25

    ALL RIGHT, STAY WITH US. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.