Don't Let Tim Conway Fix Your Stuff

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:22
   

   Repairman ?

   All right, that's a hold up, okay, all right. I'm telling you, I only got $8 in the till. I got a dog hair killer, have you in nine pieces by the time you hit that door. Go right ahead if you want.

2. 00:35
   

   Concert violinist

   But that must be a mistake. I am Hans Metz, the famous concert violinist, and I have come to your fair town here to do a concert this evening with this violin, you see, but it is not feeling well, so I was just wondering whether you could fix it or not.

3. 00:49
   

   Repairman

   Fix it, sure, I can fix it. What's wrong with it?

4. 00:51
   

   Concert violinist

   Well, I'll show you in a minute as soon as I get this open. This is a very old violin It in my family for hundreds of years. I wanted to be in perfect working water You see here the bridge is a little loose right here If you will notice here, the E string is a little out of adjustment here. Could you fix that?

5. 01:07
   

   Repairman

   All right. Sure. Let's take a look at that. I've never seen one like this. I can see where she's loose right in there

6. 01:11
   

   Concert violinist

   That's right.

7. 01:12
   

   Repairman ?

   This in here. Okay. Well, can you leave it?

8. 01:16
   

   Concert violinist

   Just be careful with it, will you, sir? No, I cannot leave it. I did not make myself clue You see, I have to do a concert this evening in your town here, and I have to be there in one half hour. So I cannot leave it here. You must fix it.

9. 01:31
   

   Repairman

   You're doing a concert, aren't you? I wanted to go, you know. Well, if you're doing a concert here, here, you can play this. You play trumpet.

10. 01:37
    

    Concert violinist

    No, be careful. I do not play the trumpet. No, I play this, the violin.

11. 01:42
    

    Repairman

    Oh, all right.

12. 01:43
    

    Concert violinist ?

    Play the trumpet here. It's not a violin.

13. 01:46
    

    Repairman

    Not around here, fella. No, sir. This is a fiddle.

14. 01:48
    

    Concert violinist

    You call it a fiddle? Well, you can call it a fiddle, but it is my violin, please. And can you fix it? That is the important point.

15. 01:54
    

    Repairman

    Oh, I can fix her, but... I got a hoover ahead of you here.

16. 01:58
    

    Concert violinist ?

    A bigger pot?

17. 01:59
    

    Repairman

    Yeah. I'm gonna fix this here. I don't know what's wrong with this sucker here. I think it's in the innards here or something.

18. 02:08
    

    Concert violinist

    What is with that schmutz here? Stop with that. Now, please, can you just fix this violin? I got to get to my jacket. I have to be there in half an hour to the concert hall.

19. 02:17
    

    Repairman

    All right, all right. All right, I'll have to take her in the back, though, and put her up on the lift here.

20. 02:23
    

    Concert violinist

    Please, can you just get...

21. 02:25
    

    Repairman

    Hello. Yeah. All right, all right, Mr. Cummings. No, I was working on it. I got it right here. That's... I have no idea what's wrong with it. I told you I'd have it for you by six, and I will have it by six.

22. 02:40

    Of course.

23. 02:42
    

    Repairman

    I have no idea some guy come in here and doing a concert or something here. Yeah, it must be at the high school. I don't know. Here, take a listen. I thought it was German or Holland or something. No, I don't think it's Chinese.

24. 03:00
    

    Concert violinist ?

    I'm Chinese.

25. 03:02
    

    Repairman

    No, I'll have her. Just a minute. Hold on. That damn fly. Right. All right. I'll have her for you. Right. Right. I'll have her for you. Just calm down. Calm down. Don't come back here. I got a killer dog here. Murder you. Well, I took a look at her, and I'll tell you something, one of them little farts is loose in there, and I'm gonna have to saw it, so I didn't want you to get excited, so you know what's going on.

26. 03:29
    

    Concert violinist

    Wait, have to what?

27. 03:29
    

    Repairman

    That's all. Just take a little hunk out of her. She'll be all right.

28. 03:31
    

    Concert violinist

    What are you talking about? You can't...

29. 03:36
    

    Repairman

    That dog will kill you. I'm telling you.

30. 03:38
    

    Concert violinist ?

    I have you. Wait. Hey, don't be careful. Is that violent? What are you doing with this saw?

31. 03:43
    

    Repairman ?

    I don't know.

32. 03:44
    

    Concert violinist

    What are you doing?

33. 03:48
    

    Repairman

    Don't get excited. Now for crying out loud gonna have to put a spare part on there one of you got some little knob off here So if you don't mind I'll use this just replace it if you don't mind,

34. 03:57
    

    Concert violinist ?

    but I don't

35. 03:58
    

    Repairman

    Well I had a heck of time getting the back of that thing off

36. 04:11
    

    Concert violinist ?

    yeah get back off right

37. 04:13
    

    Repairman

    well I had to get my hammer out Mechanic without his tools, you know all right loosen this screw on here

38. 04:23
    

    Concert violinist

    loosen the screw there's no screws in there

39. 04:27
    

    Repairman

    but i'll be right with you

40. 04:30
    

    Concert violinist

    no you can't do that

41. 04:38
    

    Repairman ?

    we're gonna get that mic fixed keeps running away from the shop i took a little nick out of her so i'm gonna have to paint

42. 04:52
    

    Concert violinist

    no No painting, no. There must stay a set.

43. 04:54
    

    Repairman

    I got Midnight Blue in here.

44. 04:55
    

    Concert violinist

    I don't want no blues. Don't give me no blues. The blues is not for me.

45. 05:03
    

    Repairman

    There's new. Right there.

46. 05:04
    

    Concert violinist

    Oh, you did fix it.

47. 05:06
    

    Repairman

    I tried.

48. 05:06
    

    Concert violinist

    It looks perfect.

49. 05:08
    

    Repairman

    Of course.

50. 05:08
    

    Concert violinist

    Let me see how it sounds. Oh, my goodness. It's fine. Thank you very much. How much do I owe you, sir?

51. 05:15
    

    Repairman

    Well, it's going to be 37.5.

52. 05:17
    

    Concert violinist

    37.

53. 05:18
    

    Repairman ?

    Oh, that was A-flat.

54. 05:20
    

    Concert violinist

    Yes, I will give you this. Yes, 1.30.40, keep the change, because you did such a beautiful job, thank you very much, sir.

55. 05:27
    

    Repairman

    There's your receipt right there.

56. 05:28
    

    Concert violinist

    Thank you very much, I'll just put it in the case here.

57. 05:30
    

    Repairman

    Oh, wait a minute, I'll get paid.

58. 05:31
    

    Concert violinist

    Well, you don't have to pay, never mind.

59. 05:36
    

    Repairman ?

    Is that broken?

60. 05:38

    And if I leave this a book? If I kill her, there's going to be a big one.

61. 05:41
    

    Concert violinist

    I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill you!