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Diner of the Living Dead
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
After driving forty miles out of his way for dinner, a breezy husband insists that his queasy wife join him at a heartland diner whose menu boards offer toe stew, fried face and elbow stew, and whose ghoulish customers are already tucking into human remains. While he cheerfully orders a plate of feet with bunion rings and a large spinal fluid from the undead waitress, his wife refuses everything until he bullies her into ordering the brain salad platter. He happily gnaws on a foot as she grows more and more disgusted, a screaming face appears at the kitchen door, and when she finally feels sick he pays the bill and scolds her for ordering brain salad in a place like that. As the couple head for the door, the zombie diners lunge for the wife before the pair slip outside.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I think I'll have the feet. Hold the toenails.
We got your blood. We got your formaldehyde. We got your spinal fluid.
I told you never to order brain salad in a place like this. You never know how long it's been laying around.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
One of the sketches in the April 25, 1980 episode of Fridays that drew viewer complaints over its gore; a number of ABC affiliates stopped carrying the show after that broadcast.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:22
Diner of the living dead.
- 00:32
Wife
Honey, I've changed my mind.
- 00:33
Husband
What do you you changed your mind
- 00:35
Wife
i mean i'm not hungry anymore okay
- 00:36
Husband
look i drove 40 miles out of my way to get you something to eat now you tell me you're not hungry
- 00:41
Wife
well it's not that i'm not hungry honey it's this diner
- 00:45
Husband
what's wrong with this diner come on this place is great this is the heartland this is america come on let's get a table sit down good chair
- 00:52
let's Ribs. Hand burger.
- 01:13
Husband
Ah, let's see here what looks good
- 01:15
Wife ?
fasting
- 01:16
Husband ?
cut it out
- 01:17
Wife
nothing appeals to me
- 01:20
Husband
yeah suit yourself personally i'm starved
- 01:22
Wife
Well, I'm nauseous. I can't stand the thought of eating this kind of food.
- 01:28
Husband
Yeah, you know, that's all conditioning. Used to say the same thing about snails, and I eat them all the time.
- 01:35
Wife
Well, I'm not eating, and that's it.
- 01:37
Zombie Waitress
What'll it be? What'll it be, honeys?
- 01:42
All right. I don't have any more.
- 01:47
Husband
I I I'll have the, uh, I can't decide. I think I'll have the feet, hold the toenails. Oh, yeah, a side order of bunion rings veins Veins instead of arteries And, uh, how's the spleen pie?
- 02:14
Zombie Waitress
Eighty-six on the spleen pie
- 02:17
Husband
Okay, uh, I'll have the glam slaw, then
- 02:20
Wife
Oh, you don't happen to have a can of tuna fish lying around, do you?
- 02:26
Zombie Waitress
No, sorry, honey
- 02:28
Wife
Okay, fine, nothing for me, thank you
- 02:30
Husband
Look, eat something, will you?
- 02:32
Wife
No, really. It's okay.
- 02:33
Husband
I'm not going to be stopping again until after dark.
- 02:35
Wife
I'm not hungry.
- 02:37
Husband
You gotta eat.
- 02:38
Wife
I do not, and you can't make me.
- 02:40
Husband
Order something.
- 02:42
Wife
All right. Jeez. All right. God forgive me. I'll have the brain salad platter. uh, heavy on the mind. Heavy on the mayo. Really heavy on the mayo.
- 02:59
Zombie Waitress
Something to drink.
- 03:00
Husband
Yeah, what do you got?
- 03:01
Zombie Waitress
We got your blood. We got your formaldehyde. We got your spinal fluid. We got your contaminated water.
- 03:15
Husband
Yeah, I'll have a large spinal fluid. No ice, please.
- 03:21
Wife
I'll take my chances with the water.
- 03:23
Husband ?
you know You know, hey, something smells good, huh?
- 03:30
huh? Oh.
- 03:48
Husband
At least the place is more reasonable than Denny's.
- 03:52
Wife
You disgust me.
- 03:54
Husband
You calm down.
- 03:55
Wife
How can you order feet?
- 03:56
Husband
Will you come down off your high horse? What do you think, they don't wash them?
- 04:00
Wife
Honey, if I had something in my stomach right now, I'd puke.
- 04:02
Husband
Would you please? I'm about to eat here. Will you stop screaming? You're making everybody look at you here sorry we've been on a long cheese cranky please don't mind us sit down but jeez now come on how about that service huh admit it it looks good it smells good and i'm digging in
- 04:29
sorry
- 04:50
Husband ?
I can't take you anywhere.
- 04:53
Wife ?
I'm sorry.
- 04:56
Husband
jeez i don't i don't understand you you know you you you you probably touched your nose
- 05:00
Wife
oh i don't care
- 05:01
Zombie Waitress ?
well you want to wrap them up for you
- 05:03
Wife
no no honey let's just go okay
- 05:06
Husband
okay all right we'll go Can't believe you sometimes, you know that? Come on. How much do we owe you over here?
- 05:17
Zombie Waitress
$489. All right. Well, something the matter.
- 05:19
Husband
Yeah, my wife's a picky eater. It's terrible, you know?
- 05:23
Wife
Honey, I feel sick.
- 05:24
Husband
Well, I told you never to order grain salad in a place like this. You never know how long it's been laying around. Now, come on.
- 05:31
Zombie Waitress
Y'all come back.
- 05:55
Oh, Phyllis, how are you? Wave hello to Phyllis. Come on, Poochie, wave hello to Phyllis. Well, Well, she used to do it. Oh, shut up!
