For this Christmas episode of SNL, host John Malkovich—making his third appearance and first at Christmas—decides to spread holiday cheer by reading the classic poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" to a group of children (the kids of SNL crew members). Sitting in a chair by a fireplace set, wearing a Santa hat, Malkovich begins the beloved holiday tale but continuously interrupts himself with dark, deadpan observations and bleak commentary. He scratches his head complaining the Santa hat is "itchy, itchy, itchy," discusses how hope is "what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else," informs the kids about California's home invasion laws and how it's "perfectly legal" to shoot intruders, explains that Santa's sleigh would create such friction at 650 miles per second that Santa and his reindeer would "burst into flames" like a meteor, mentions that in Portugal Santa (Pai Natal) steals children's toes if they don't leave him butter, and offers the children Hall's Mentholyptus cough drops as treats (which they decline). The 6-minute monologue showcases Malkovich's distinctive delivery and dry humor as he gets increasingly aware the children aren't enjoying his presentation, eventually skipping to the end after declaring they've "rendered all of this useless."
